Fervent “Someone”

Loneliness

Just a thought –

The sense of respect for each other’s emotions is as basic as the love in a relationship

She was brooding on “How many in the species of Homo sapiens are virtuous in handling perfidy?” Meet Zakiah, the protagonist, who is equivocating between various vicious human emotions in the most susceptible phase of life. She is a meek girl who lives with the faith of beholding miracles in small gestures of fellow beings. She looks for true emotions amongst ostentatious people. Her fault was to be oblivious that world doesn’t work that way for anyone.

She had felt the chaste love for someone lately. This is not her first love. She has a bitter past that curbs her from men and love. Amid her scuffle to find herself and lurching to get out of the penitentiary she had built for herself, she met him, Kayid, the fervent “someone”, who is competent of going to any limits for his subsistence. Not everyone is adept at moving along with the evolving time. She is one of them. The integrities, ideologies, emotions of human race have tainted according to the expediency. Darwin called it survival of the fittest. He was one such with no values for other’s emotions. No respect.

Zakiah fell for Kayid, so hard that she was blind to his venal intensions. She was overwhelmed with his presence in her life. She was connecting the dots of several occasions that pushed her to him and was grinning about it. Love is perceived as a solitary tenacity for her existence. She conquered gratification in showing love to him.

They go to the same university. Kayid was using her for his materialistic gains. Though she was getting glimpse of his intents, she chose to be oblivion to them in the name of love.

The dark day for her, the reality yet again gave a hard slap. This slap was death striking that she doubted the tranquility of her lucidity. He betrayed her for a worthless materialistic cause. She knew she was being manipulated. She thought, “Is this is what it is or I’m being canopy to him once again?” She had to make the sternest choice, him or the right thing? She chose to do the right thing. If only she had known that she is going is pay a really heavy price for doing the right thing.

Kayid chose to show his dark side to her. She was obligated to wobble her reasons to live life. The relationship that was the reason of life within her pushed her to the verge of giving up on it. Her feelings were not respected. She was not respected. It was beyond what she had alleged he is capable of doing to her. He was efficacious in giving her the permanent silence to her. Her feminism begged him to spare her emotional virginity. Nothing really mattered to him. He cut all his ties with her.

She was left to ponder on the betrayal of her love for the rest of the life.

Emotional dishabille in a relationship

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Just a thought-

You ought to realize that if you fall for an atrociously self-centered person, it would only be you in the any kind of relationship, forever.

Dia, “Justin, so this is it between us. Isn’t?” There was no response from the other end. Dia hung the call. There was nothing left in that relationship to hold on to like rest of the relationships that break due to immaturity and different priorities in life.

Dia and Justin met exactly 11 months ago in Paris, the city of love, for an exchange student program. Being from the same country, they didn’t take long to get along well. It was such a treat to eyes to look at people like this together. So full of vitality and exhilaration. But did these two know that it would turn “complicated” to “ugly” to “dirty” to “agonizing pain” in the days to come.

Dia is one such personality, who doesn’t care about the societal norms when she genuinely cares for someone. This “genuine care” has taught her innumerable awful lessons what not to do to herself. However excruciating the pain is, she never learns. Now, that is why this is called a “habit” for her. A habit to hurt herself. Especially when she has an expedient option to hurt others to uphold herself from getting hurt. Justin is a “guy”. A very celluloid personality. Doesn’t think much before doing things even if others are going to get hurt out of it. He is lost most of the time.  Unequivocally, wrong for each other. Still circumstances brought them together.

Anyone who saw them together thought they are a couple. “Bull crap” was the reaction from both the sides. They enjoyed each other’s company. Studying together, shopping, casual roaming, phone blahs and a lot more. But little was known to both of them that one of them is taking all these too seriously than the other. Justin was stuck somewhere and he couldn’t reach Dia over phone one day. Dia almost had a panic attack. That is what we call a “reality check in a relationship”. She started feeling jealous, protective and possessive over him. Basically, all those adjectives that jeopardises a beautiful friendship. Wait, not exactly friendship, but something more than friendship and less than a relationship carved by Justin with little effort from Dia.
She knew what to do and she did exactly the same. Sadly, it didn’t help much. She took a break from this claustrophobic relationship. She finally understood the necessity of breathing space. Justin was not moved even a tad bit by all these. About her, about what she feels. It was a causal friendship for him. There was a point when she intoned to him that, “Justin, I miss those phone calls. I’m so used to it that I can’t be without it. Take it in the purest form possible. Don’t get me wrong. I know I shouldn’t expect. Just that I enjoyed them.” This didn’t help to stop the drifting away from each other process. He was baffled as always. What and why is this happening? He was absolutely fine with her not talking to him. People, who heard this, pitied Dia. It’s her fault. She should have known this is how it is going to be.

One fine day, Dia thought of talking this out to him. Now that she was sure of what she was feeling for him. Over one such random conversation, Justin made it very clear to her that he cannot see a friend as his girlfriend. First point screwed. Second, he also mentioned it to her that it is not a big deal to talk to someone on a daily basis. How does it matter? I can do it with anyone I want to. Nothing special about it.  She thought, “Amazing”.

Dia never wanted a relationship from him. She can easily get over that “love on him”. It was all about “her special space” in his life diminishing because she knew he was pretentious that she has started feeling for him. But, why?

In the days to come she felt the importance of her in his life. He was using her for his own good. Poignant sustenance. Just to while away the time. This experience gave her an agonising frantic emotion within her. Dia, to herself, “He spoke to me when he wanted to. He spent time with me when he wanted to. When I asked for a bit. There was a problem. When I demanded, he moved away? Really? He just like that left me behind? Where is that care and concern that he claimed of? He never thought how would I feel about it. This relationship had two people in it. No one can force anything on the other. Today, I get it; it was only me who was there. So, when your best friend falls for you, what you do? You leave her behind and give her place in your life to someone else or just be with the void if at all it is there.”

She was also questioned, “Did I ever get physical to you or did I ever tell you that I see you as my girl”. She thought, “what about the emotional attachment in a relationship? Why is that only physical nudity matters in a relationship and not the emotional nudity?”

Dia cannot handle fake emotions and fake relationships. Unfortunately, that is all she encounters. It is not about the love, it was more about the friendship she shared with him. He didn’t care to stand by it. She cried over it to build the bridge. Time to move on. She learnt it in the hard way that anyway life shouldn’t be wasted for self-centered morons like this.

That redolence of rain

girl-and-rain-dark-1-jpgJust a thought –

People who can read your eyes, face and mind will always fail to read you. Its simply because they know you too well that they are not bothered to read you.

 

She enforced herself to get to the place. Surreal wars of thoughts are more agonizing than the tangible wars. She just wanted to scream this. She has heard that screaming does help in getting your frustrations out.

The take off of the flight gave an acute pain, which words cannot do integrity in elucidating. After 10 hours of journey, there she was, in the place where she knew she should belong to but her rebellious soul denies it every day, religiously. She thought to herself, I’m here with a cause. I’ll just figure that out and leave. I should not get into this emotional entanglement. She gave herself a dose of all the hurt lessons of the past.

Her loving family was all set to receive her with beaming happiness. She feltsomething within her when she met them. In her thoughts, I don’t want to accept that I missed them. Unpretentious love for anyone for that matters hurts. What an irony Leia, you are here to figure out the very same. Well, I’m here to figure out how fucked up it is and what should be done in the days to come.

One fine day, she was standing near the door. She smelt the rain. She wondered why doesn’t the rain smell the same way in London? How much I love this fragrance. It triggers something incorrigible within me. At this moment, she knew the answer for the question she had come with few days back. That sweet smile with few drops of poise tears. She was flabbergasted to know that she still is capable of sensing happiness, thinking of someone.

In 10 seconds, the smile aversely struggles to leave the field of her face. When the mind asked her “What next?” Ah! The retort to this is simply unfair. Because she knew she had to “let go” of it. But the good thing about this realisation was she also realized how loving is her family. How susceptible she is for love. How feeble of her to face love even now. In a fraction of second, before her mind and heart could enter into the room of skirmish, she got ascribed back to her family and “this person”, who is responsible for this newfangled change in her.

It’s time to go back. She would always remember that one redolence of rain. However, the same redolence also told her that he is not going to feel the same way. She would always keep wishing if he could just ignore her words and see through her. Also, she knew she has a world breaking record of  having unfulfilled wishes. She fared to swim it across yet gain in life.

Excruciating and bigoted are the best description of life for Leia.

“Breakups” in Friendship

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Just a thought –

Giving thoughts to the question, “why are we friends” jeopardises a friendship

She was lying awake on her bed, gazing at the ceiling. Lobbing now and then was the only thing she has been doing for past 6 hours. It was apparently a sub conscious movement. Her brain had literally bunged working a while back. Trying hard to figure out something, tears rolled on her sweet pinkish cheeks. Minutes later, she wiped it out realizing her idiocy.

She thought, “How can I just cry for anyone like this. After all he is just a friend. Who cares? Let all of them go to hell. I won’t let such stupid things distress me.” Her babbling voice and eyes lucidly showed her that she was indeed troubled to a greater extend. All that she wanted to know was “what happened?”

She was trying hard to remember if she had told or did anything that could have hurt him. She was not able to reminisce one, which made her cry more. Being destitute is a state that could ruin your happiness eternally. She thought, enough is enough; whatever it is, he can talk to me like I do. Why is this weird thing happening between us? Gosh! It is so painful. It’s been a month now. I miss, terribly miss the fun I used to have with him, which I never thought of adding to my “I would miss it” list. I never thought I would miss it. Then why am I missing it now?

She picked her phone to call him and that very moment, her phone beeped. It was him. She was never this panicky to pick her best friend’s call. Finally, after the thunder striking muddles, she picked. He said, “Hi. How are you doing?” She took deep breaths to fathom it was actually him to whom she was talking. But he was not bothered about it as always. Without letting her react or reply, he continued, “I wanted to ask about our Science project. Are we meeting to discuss on it? I really want our project to be the best.” She was enraged the other side. In her thoughts, “I’m dying every minute here trying to understand your indifference towards me. You call after 3 complete days to talk about Science project. I’m so gonna kill you.” She replied, “4.30 pm today” and hung the call.

She was determined to talk it out today. Rather she was prepared to yell at him. They met at their favorite hang out place as they used to meet every single day. She didn’t give him a chance to speak. She went straight to him and asked, “What is your problem? Why are you not the usual Avi I know?” He smiled at her as if he was just waiting for this volcano to burst. He politely replied, “We are just friends. Aren’t we? That is why I’m behaving like one.” She rolled her eyes and asked, “Now, what does this mean on earth?” He was happier now. He came an inch closer to her and spoke into her ears. “I want to be just friends with you as that is what you want. Before this one month, I don’t think it was just friendship between us. Hope you understand. So, let me be just friends with you, Ann.”

He left the place swiftly. She sat there puzzled. The days of them being together ran like a movie in front of her eyes. The way they used to tease girls and guys randomly on the road, pani puri hogging, their silence, when they used to sit at Marine drives, the fun, the protectiveness, that feeling. Oh god! How was I so blind towards my own feelings? She smiled to herself, nodding her head. The next day morning, she was flying to Mauritius for her holidays.
It was his turn now. He was so restless thinking about her. Just then he got a text message from her that read, “International Airport @ 11 am.” He was extremely baffled to fathom why Airport? Where was she going? Has she taken me wrong? Will she leave our beautiful relationship and me far behind? Will she do such a thing? He headed towards the airport with a massive battle of questions in his head. He found her standing near the entrance, fiddling with her pink lace dress, his favorite one. That cataleptic smile on his face was one of those sweet moments in his life. She ran to him. Finding it hard to make an eye contact with him, with lots of wary evident on her face, she, for the first time in her life realized her feminism. She gave a quick puppy hug and sensually said him, “I love you too.” She moved an inch back, saw him and yelled. Can’t you just tell it to me? You and your melodramas are so tough to put up with. Now, bye. See you after a month. He pulled her back into a tight hug. He just didn’t want to let go of her. She broke from the hug with tears rolling just to say bye once again until they met again.

And, after 9 years of togetherness, they tied the nuptial knot to continue to be in their fairyland of love, which belongs only to Avi and Ann.
“Breakups” in friendship, necessarily, need not be bitter. It could pave way to a beautiful relationship that could be cherished every day of your life.

Pivotal emotion “Love”

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Just a thought-

I get the feel of melancholy subdued in loud music because it mutes the voice of my soul.

With lots of wary, trying to hide that butterflies bustling crusade, she told him. I’m in love with you.

The glimmers in the eyes of the guy were extremely convincing. It would be hard for anyone to think otherwise. But for some reason, when in love, you just can’t see the life beyond. It is the only emotion that is awfully pivotal. The sweet girl was oblivious that the words from her first love would change a part of her eternally. He said with a colossal passion, “I really like you. Really a lot. Beyond what you can think. But, I wish you were little more attractive for me to call you the love of my life.”

She was spellbound. She never knew she would get to hear this from the person whom she loved the most in the world. She was too naïve to discern that the “world of love” works this very sordid way.
That day, she fathomed what love exactly means in this big world. It is not always about the person you are in love with. It is definitely not about the cognitive yearning to spend all the time left for you in this life with him. There are more faces to it.

She was a strong girl. She tried to move on and she did. But the path she chose for it is a very subjective one. It might be the best for her. But I just hope her innocent soul doesn’t regret it when she looks back at her life.

Today’s post is dedicated to one of my close friends. This incident happened around 4 years back. She has got 1000’s of hang-ups and personally, for me, every bit of it is thought provoking. But I chose this story to narrate because the guy is her best friend. I have a thing for such stories.

The needed “Chivalry”!

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“Wont” is one of those deadly diseases that gradually erode your brain. It is not that easy to break a habit. Human brain gets so used to it that you would have no control over it. I have given a lot of thought to such situations. I have also tried to place myself in the shoes of those friends who discuss the topic of “habit” with me to guide them, especially when their brain just can’t think straight. Apart from giving some award-winning substantial tips to them, every single time I would end the thought by telling to myself that I have so much of self-control. I can very well control my thoughts and what I want and do.

Today, I got to know how wrong I was. Sub-consciously you tend to become cognitive to it. When you do it everyday. Every single day for past 7 months, it is not easy to miss it. Not even one day. I got to learn another life skill today. In my opinion, everyone needs to master it. If all of us have the guts to break a habit when you realize it is eating you, then that would be worth calling “chivalry”.