The taste of love…

Just a thought – 

People who do not use others for their own good is becoming negligible.


ju

 

She looked into his eyes. She knew I’m too much in love.

Another mistake.

She opened up, “The beautiful feeling that blossomed within me was a deception. I met a man during his debauched phase in life. I was a seraph who could change his life. He saw I had love in my eyes. For him. The prodigious type of love.

After repetitive times of me voicing, I cannot do this. I’m not your friend. He, very diplomatically, got into a relationship that has no name.”

“It is not love. It is not friendship.”

She continued, “I felt misled yet again in life. I, of course, loved him and cared for him with my own wish. Unswervingly. Just didn’t fathom that he is delusional. I was assuming that he needs time to voice anything. Whatever it is. But I never knew he had planned it very clearly. That is what it seemed from our last conversation.”

With a long distance gazing,

He said, “ I do not need all this anymore. I’m stable now. Moreover, I never told it is a relationship. Why did you feel that way?”

Her eyes widened.

He said, “I should not have given myself absolutely to you during crunch. That was a mistake. I should have been able to handle myself.”

A drop of tear was at the corner of her eyes.

He said, “I was never comfortable hugging you. It was me who stopped it.”

She said, “ Stop.”

She had this habit of hugging him and kissing on his forehead whenever he leaves for the day. He used to beam with happiness after that kiss.

She kept pondering. Was I blind?

Practically speaking, he is at no fault. That is how the world is. The intensity of his deed is very less. But the person who was involved is a broken wreck.

You don’t tell to random people “I’m your responsibility.”

She took him too seriously because love means the world to her.

Things left within her was given to him. There are other people in his life to take her place. May be she was just a convenience factor. Now, there is no need of her.

She did voice, why these 3 months? What did I gain out of it?

His reply was astounding; “You got to spend time with the person who you love. Isn’t that a great thing?”

That very minute, she knew he was a stranger to her. She never knew him.

 It is not a good feeling to be used when needed and been thrown away mercilessly as it has become a discomfort.

Her last question to him ” Will you miss me?”

He replied, “Yes and understand this is not easy for me too. Letting you go.”

She smiled at his fakeness. 

She left him. And this time it is forever.

He told he could take care of himself.

He let her go.

She locked herself harder this time.

People are so busy using others that they even cannot see the damage they do to the other person – The world for us.

 

Riya

Platinum City

Portebello Road

London

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Cross Roads

i1

It is that time of the year, dewdrops, autumn leaves, lush colours and jaunty people around. You feel glee all around you and hence within you. She was speculating, can it ever, again be within you, hence around you. That seems a light year far behind. At a given point of time, at least a lakh people are contemplating with something or the other in life. You can find her in all of those every point of time. She hurtles happiness. In the search of prevailing happiness, she has lost quite a bit. She could never fathom herself.

Stumped to herself is her forte. Life seems a skirmish. In the busy hush of putting a bright smile on her face, the famous fake one; she forgot what is her reality and what is her fakeness. It all seems to have crossed the road, the famous road. Walking, running, crawling, driving, crippling and what not. The road has seen it all. And of course, there is more to come. But you know what, the road has picturesque imagery. Extremely irreplaceable to herself. After crossing a bit of her never-ending dark tunnel, I think she has found her next milestone. Worthy or depraved? Yet to be figured out. Is it another one of her astounding fiascoes or is this the one for which all hurtles and cascades was for?

Her lovely full lips curved a bit with this thought. The last time she thought the same; she was at the verge of death. Though she quivered the thought, she didn’t stop herself or should I say she couldn’t stop herself. Thou are Love. Because love doesn’t let you to. Whatsoever. Her eyes shifted from the swans of the serpentine lake to the guy walking across in the grey jacket. Breeze burnt her skin a jiff. She could feel her body warm up. The cosy love one. He waved at her with loads of love in his eyes. Those smiles and eyes, damn, those made her cross all her inhibitions. The irrefutable love oozing out of them, she could die for. She was all set for the new lessons of her life. Was she?

Their fingers weaved together. They started their walk together around Hype Park. They were endowed with love, just love.

Sara,

12th Feb 2017,

Hyde Park, England,

London

 

 

Barren

Just a thought –

One can never reason out other’s behaviour. Try to mend yours as the world is filled with a lot of heartless people.

classy-woman

Well, if you ask me to narrate one life-changing incident I have experienced till now, hmmm….there are lots (Laughs). But I would tell you my favourite one because this ruined the last bit of me with astounding intensity that resonates till today somewhere within me.

We were best friends. At least, I thought that way. And religiously, I remorse discerning that way.

Long story short, in due course of time, I fell in love with him. His charm was such that. The problem was we were best friends and we knew each other’s dark secrets. But I forgot to judge him with all those incidents and his behavior to them. I was naïve or didn’t bother. Whatever, I should have envisaged.

So, one day I voiced my feelings for him. I thought he was being really a good soul to turn it down with splendid understanding and maturity of each other’s life and family. I felt gratified of falling for a man like him. Astonishingly, in spite of spending a lot of time with him, all that I thought about him were only misconceptions. The way I got to realize that was a slap that daunted my stability to live.

Days passed after I told him that I want to be with him the rest of the life. A week later, he started becoming lovable to me. We were more than friends. Another week went by and I got to know that he had taken some of my hard works without my knowledge. It was distressing as it came as a shock.

I confronted him. I should say he is an amazing actor. I saw his true face after this phase.

He was so persuasive that he was extremely apologetic for his impulsive behavior. The week when we came close to each other emotionally, we used to discuss about “us” and “our future”  like so many couples out there. Again, I was so much far away in recognizing that I was being wrought.

We made love. Oh sorry! I made love and he was fulfilling his carnal needs and male ego. 

Like any other girl, I was incredulous to be with the love of my life. It was all-perfect till the next dawn.

The next day morning, he asked me not to get serious about this relationship. I told him I was always serious about you. He kept quite. I felt I was received wrongly. I have always spoken about marriage and our families. It was not about only physicality. In fact it was never about physicality. However, slowly and gradually, he moved away from me in an excruciating manner. I’m a sort, who fights for her rights. I fought back. It was my right to know why was our relationship falling apart and why was I ill-treated? And that let me to walk into a dark tunnel in which I’m still strolling. I was never able to push myself to come out of it.

He wanted physicality for that one night. That’s it. There was nothing more to it from his side. He was a shear bastard. He was an emotionally abuser and wanted to jostle me off, as he wanted to just get rid of me. I did leave him. His abuse was carved in that manner. There were lot of things that I wanted to voice to a person like him but somewhere I knew it was of no use.

For people like him, it will never make any difference.

I was clinically depressed for several years of my life. My family gave up on me. They struggled with me for a while and then I was orphaned. The worst bit was I lost myself too when I needed my own support for myself the most. I survived after several suicide attempts. I loathed myself for being wrong about him.

That is not a very ideal place to be in, self-loathing.

For young men out there, I would just say, if sleeping is your only motive, there are people who want that. Try to reach out only to them. Or it’s only a physical urge, there are prostitutes out there too. Do not ever play with someone’s emotions. It should be mutually a casual thing. If not, you are emotionally raping someone and if you ever can forgive yourself, you are not a human.

It took a long time for me to get stabilized for being a fool. It was not only about love, but it was also about trust, friendship, companionship and life. I couldn’t forgive myself for loving a man like him and the series of things he did to me. Because I had a choice and I chose the atrociously wrong one.

Now, it subsided though it is going to be there always within me, somewhere.

Diya Mehta,

12.25 p.m., 11th March 2015

Mumbai, India.

Author’s Note:

We made love. Oh sorry! I made love and he was fulfilling his carnal needs and ego. 

Her eyes, when she uttered that sentence had trillion ounce of pain and pang. Hard for anyone to forget. I’ll remember that for a long time.

I met this young lady in Mumbai, an air hostess with a leading airlines of India,  We made a casual conversation. I was able to relate to her the minute I was talking to her, as I had had a similar story a while back. Life is never easy after such an incident. I was proud of her to have persistence and swim across the ocean. Many don’t survive. They loose the basic ingredients to live life as it is never about love. It is about so many other things.

Young men: Do not do this ever to any girl or to her family.

Poisonous Love!

Just a thought –

Sometimes, you stop and look around to witness the obliteration you have caused to the person who cared for you the most, just to realize that you can never forgive yourself for the inhumanness in you.

man

She stood there frozen. Her lemon shaped eyes, wide open with pearls of tears rolling down in a grotesquely slow haste.

He touched her. Her body was cold and soul was withered. Blood oozing out of the nerve, her petite body lay there, lifeless. He was inert with only his hands wobbling with the sheet of note left for him to ruminate for the days to come.

Past:

He said to his friend, “There she is! Oh god! I was just waiting for this minute of the day (winks).” Their eyes met for few minutes.

Jia, the nerd. She likes to be cut off from the world. She had tweaked herself to be in solitary. Arjun, the Lothario, chased her, as he wanted to vanquish her to boost his male ego. She had once proved him that she was better than him, in the most imperturbable way possible but she never knew that his ego was hurt in the whole episode. He was heroic to make her bend to him. It wasn’t hard for a charmer like him. She fell for him. For the most beautiful person she had beheld in him. She was in love with that hidden personality of his. Somewhere, at a sub-conscious level, he was falling in love with her too. But his pride never allowed him to see it. He wanted to just conquer her.

After knowing him too well for a year, Jia was recklessly in love with him. Now, he owned her and her soul. It was chaste maneuverings of emotions, a brutal act, if only she knew what was coming her way. It was that beautiful day of her life. She was unwinding the woman in her to him. Jia and Arjun made love.

Present:

In her heart wrecking thoughts, “It’s been two weeks since I heard anything from him. He is not answering my calls too. I hope he is fine.” She was completely ignored by him after the most beautiful day of her life. She didn’t loose faith. She has perseverance. After unremitting dogging away acts by him and cruel emotional traumas, she decided to confront him. She went in search of him.

Arjun, “Oh come on! When did I ever tell her that I love her or I’m going to marry her? I wanted revenge and I took it this way. Hey! Listen to the details now.” His friends, “ Hahahaha….really? You are a real stud bro!”

She stood there frozen. Her lemon shaped eyes wide open with pearls of tears rolling down in a grotesquely slow haste.

In a while, his phone rang. The world below his feet slipped away. He ran like a maniac.

He touched her. Her body was cold and soul was withered. Blood oozing out of the nerve, her petite body lay there, lifeless. He was inert with only his hands wobbling with the sheet of note left for him to ruminate for the days to come.

The note:

I knew this intension of yours long back. I chose to be canopy to it, as I believed in you and in my love for you. I couldn’t have had a more beautiful reason than this to give up on life. I’m thankful to the Lord. I would plea you to not to do this to anyone else, as I want to be the last gaffe in your life. I wish you had respected the woman in me if not the love.

I love you. I really do.

Jia

Arjun was cramped for rest of his days in the prison called “life”.

Emotional dishabille in a relationship

walking-away

Just a thought-

You ought to realize that if you fall for an atrociously self-centered person, it would only be you in the any kind of relationship, forever.

Dia, “Justin, so this is it between us. Isn’t?” There was no response from the other end. Dia hung the call. There was nothing left in that relationship to hold on to like rest of the relationships that break due to immaturity and different priorities in life.

Dia and Justin met exactly 11 months ago in Paris, the city of love, for an exchange student program. Being from the same country, they didn’t take long to get along well. It was such a treat to eyes to look at people like this together. So full of vitality and exhilaration. But did these two know that it would turn “complicated” to “ugly” to “dirty” to “agonizing pain” in the days to come.

Dia is one such personality, who doesn’t care about the societal norms when she genuinely cares for someone. This “genuine care” has taught her innumerable awful lessons what not to do to herself. However excruciating the pain is, she never learns. Now, that is why this is called a “habit” for her. A habit to hurt herself. Especially when she has an expedient option to hurt others to uphold herself from getting hurt. Justin is a “guy”. A very celluloid personality. Doesn’t think much before doing things even if others are going to get hurt out of it. He is lost most of the time.  Unequivocally, wrong for each other. Still circumstances brought them together.

Anyone who saw them together thought they are a couple. “Bull crap” was the reaction from both the sides. They enjoyed each other’s company. Studying together, shopping, casual roaming, phone blahs and a lot more. But little was known to both of them that one of them is taking all these too seriously than the other. Justin was stuck somewhere and he couldn’t reach Dia over phone one day. Dia almost had a panic attack. That is what we call a “reality check in a relationship”. She started feeling jealous, protective and possessive over him. Basically, all those adjectives that jeopardises a beautiful friendship. Wait, not exactly friendship, but something more than friendship and less than a relationship carved by Justin with little effort from Dia.
She knew what to do and she did exactly the same. Sadly, it didn’t help much. She took a break from this claustrophobic relationship. She finally understood the necessity of breathing space. Justin was not moved even a tad bit by all these. About her, about what she feels. It was a causal friendship for him. There was a point when she intoned to him that, “Justin, I miss those phone calls. I’m so used to it that I can’t be without it. Take it in the purest form possible. Don’t get me wrong. I know I shouldn’t expect. Just that I enjoyed them.” This didn’t help to stop the drifting away from each other process. He was baffled as always. What and why is this happening? He was absolutely fine with her not talking to him. People, who heard this, pitied Dia. It’s her fault. She should have known this is how it is going to be.

One fine day, Dia thought of talking this out to him. Now that she was sure of what she was feeling for him. Over one such random conversation, Justin made it very clear to her that he cannot see a friend as his girlfriend. First point screwed. Second, he also mentioned it to her that it is not a big deal to talk to someone on a daily basis. How does it matter? I can do it with anyone I want to. Nothing special about it.  She thought, “Amazing”.

Dia never wanted a relationship from him. She can easily get over that “love on him”. It was all about “her special space” in his life diminishing because she knew he was pretentious that she has started feeling for him. But, why?

In the days to come she felt the importance of her in his life. He was using her for his own good. Poignant sustenance. Just to while away the time. This experience gave her an agonising frantic emotion within her. Dia, to herself, “He spoke to me when he wanted to. He spent time with me when he wanted to. When I asked for a bit. There was a problem. When I demanded, he moved away? Really? He just like that left me behind? Where is that care and concern that he claimed of? He never thought how would I feel about it. This relationship had two people in it. No one can force anything on the other. Today, I get it; it was only me who was there. So, when your best friend falls for you, what you do? You leave her behind and give her place in your life to someone else or just be with the void if at all it is there.”

She was also questioned, “Did I ever get physical to you or did I ever tell you that I see you as my girl”. She thought, “what about the emotional attachment in a relationship? Why is that only physical nudity matters in a relationship and not the emotional nudity?”

Dia cannot handle fake emotions and fake relationships. Unfortunately, that is all she encounters. It is not about the love, it was more about the friendship she shared with him. He didn’t care to stand by it. She cried over it to build the bridge. Time to move on. She learnt it in the hard way that anyway life shouldn’t be wasted for self-centered morons like this.

That redolence of rain

girl-and-rain-dark-1-jpgJust a thought –

People who can read your eyes, face and mind will always fail to read you. Its simply because they know you too well that they are not bothered to read you.

 

She enforced herself to get to the place. Surreal wars of thoughts are more agonizing than the tangible wars. She just wanted to scream this. She has heard that screaming does help in getting your frustrations out.

The take off of the flight gave an acute pain, which words cannot do integrity in elucidating. After 10 hours of journey, there she was, in the place where she knew she should belong to but her rebellious soul denies it every day, religiously. She thought to herself, I’m here with a cause. I’ll just figure that out and leave. I should not get into this emotional entanglement. She gave herself a dose of all the hurt lessons of the past.

Her loving family was all set to receive her with beaming happiness. She feltsomething within her when she met them. In her thoughts, I don’t want to accept that I missed them. Unpretentious love for anyone for that matters hurts. What an irony Leia, you are here to figure out the very same. Well, I’m here to figure out how fucked up it is and what should be done in the days to come.

One fine day, she was standing near the door. She smelt the rain. She wondered why doesn’t the rain smell the same way in London? How much I love this fragrance. It triggers something incorrigible within me. At this moment, she knew the answer for the question she had come with few days back. That sweet smile with few drops of poise tears. She was flabbergasted to know that she still is capable of sensing happiness, thinking of someone.

In 10 seconds, the smile aversely struggles to leave the field of her face. When the mind asked her “What next?” Ah! The retort to this is simply unfair. Because she knew she had to “let go” of it. But the good thing about this realisation was she also realized how loving is her family. How susceptible she is for love. How feeble of her to face love even now. In a fraction of second, before her mind and heart could enter into the room of skirmish, she got ascribed back to her family and “this person”, who is responsible for this newfangled change in her.

It’s time to go back. She would always remember that one redolence of rain. However, the same redolence also told her that he is not going to feel the same way. She would always keep wishing if he could just ignore her words and see through her. Also, she knew she has a world breaking record of  having unfulfilled wishes. She fared to swim it across yet gain in life.

Excruciating and bigoted are the best description of life for Leia.

“Breakups” in Friendship

tumblr_n14c07VWid1sdrsheo1_500

Just a thought –

Giving thoughts to the question, “why are we friends” jeopardises a friendship

She was lying awake on her bed, gazing at the ceiling. Lobbing now and then was the only thing she has been doing for past 6 hours. It was apparently a sub conscious movement. Her brain had literally bunged working a while back. Trying hard to figure out something, tears rolled on her sweet pinkish cheeks. Minutes later, she wiped it out realizing her idiocy.

She thought, “How can I just cry for anyone like this. After all he is just a friend. Who cares? Let all of them go to hell. I won’t let such stupid things distress me.” Her babbling voice and eyes lucidly showed her that she was indeed troubled to a greater extend. All that she wanted to know was “what happened?”

She was trying hard to remember if she had told or did anything that could have hurt him. She was not able to reminisce one, which made her cry more. Being destitute is a state that could ruin your happiness eternally. She thought, enough is enough; whatever it is, he can talk to me like I do. Why is this weird thing happening between us? Gosh! It is so painful. It’s been a month now. I miss, terribly miss the fun I used to have with him, which I never thought of adding to my “I would miss it” list. I never thought I would miss it. Then why am I missing it now?

She picked her phone to call him and that very moment, her phone beeped. It was him. She was never this panicky to pick her best friend’s call. Finally, after the thunder striking muddles, she picked. He said, “Hi. How are you doing?” She took deep breaths to fathom it was actually him to whom she was talking. But he was not bothered about it as always. Without letting her react or reply, he continued, “I wanted to ask about our Science project. Are we meeting to discuss on it? I really want our project to be the best.” She was enraged the other side. In her thoughts, “I’m dying every minute here trying to understand your indifference towards me. You call after 3 complete days to talk about Science project. I’m so gonna kill you.” She replied, “4.30 pm today” and hung the call.

She was determined to talk it out today. Rather she was prepared to yell at him. They met at their favorite hang out place as they used to meet every single day. She didn’t give him a chance to speak. She went straight to him and asked, “What is your problem? Why are you not the usual Avi I know?” He smiled at her as if he was just waiting for this volcano to burst. He politely replied, “We are just friends. Aren’t we? That is why I’m behaving like one.” She rolled her eyes and asked, “Now, what does this mean on earth?” He was happier now. He came an inch closer to her and spoke into her ears. “I want to be just friends with you as that is what you want. Before this one month, I don’t think it was just friendship between us. Hope you understand. So, let me be just friends with you, Ann.”

He left the place swiftly. She sat there puzzled. The days of them being together ran like a movie in front of her eyes. The way they used to tease girls and guys randomly on the road, pani puri hogging, their silence, when they used to sit at Marine drives, the fun, the protectiveness, that feeling. Oh god! How was I so blind towards my own feelings? She smiled to herself, nodding her head. The next day morning, she was flying to Mauritius for her holidays.
It was his turn now. He was so restless thinking about her. Just then he got a text message from her that read, “International Airport @ 11 am.” He was extremely baffled to fathom why Airport? Where was she going? Has she taken me wrong? Will she leave our beautiful relationship and me far behind? Will she do such a thing? He headed towards the airport with a massive battle of questions in his head. He found her standing near the entrance, fiddling with her pink lace dress, his favorite one. That cataleptic smile on his face was one of those sweet moments in his life. She ran to him. Finding it hard to make an eye contact with him, with lots of wary evident on her face, she, for the first time in her life realized her feminism. She gave a quick puppy hug and sensually said him, “I love you too.” She moved an inch back, saw him and yelled. Can’t you just tell it to me? You and your melodramas are so tough to put up with. Now, bye. See you after a month. He pulled her back into a tight hug. He just didn’t want to let go of her. She broke from the hug with tears rolling just to say bye once again until they met again.

And, after 9 years of togetherness, they tied the nuptial knot to continue to be in their fairyland of love, which belongs only to Avi and Ann.
“Breakups” in friendship, necessarily, need not be bitter. It could pave way to a beautiful relationship that could be cherished every day of your life.

The needed “Chivalry”!

undertheskin-5

“Wont” is one of those deadly diseases that gradually erode your brain. It is not that easy to break a habit. Human brain gets so used to it that you would have no control over it. I have given a lot of thought to such situations. I have also tried to place myself in the shoes of those friends who discuss the topic of “habit” with me to guide them, especially when their brain just can’t think straight. Apart from giving some award-winning substantial tips to them, every single time I would end the thought by telling to myself that I have so much of self-control. I can very well control my thoughts and what I want and do.

Today, I got to know how wrong I was. Sub-consciously you tend to become cognitive to it. When you do it everyday. Every single day for past 7 months, it is not easy to miss it. Not even one day. I got to learn another life skill today. In my opinion, everyone needs to master it. If all of us have the guts to break a habit when you realize it is eating you, then that would be worth calling “chivalry”.