The taste of love…

Just a thought – 

People who do not use others for their own good is becoming negligible.


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She looked into his eyes. She knew I’m too much in love.

Another mistake.

She opened up, “The beautiful feeling that blossomed within me was a deception. I met a man during his debauched phase in life. I was a seraph who could change his life. He saw I had love in my eyes. For him. The prodigious type of love.

After repetitive times of me voicing, I cannot do this. I’m not your friend. He, very diplomatically, got into a relationship that has no name.”

“It is not love. It is not friendship.”

She continued, “I felt misled yet again in life. I, of course, loved him and cared for him with my own wish. Unswervingly. Just didn’t fathom that he is delusional. I was assuming that he needs time to voice anything. Whatever it is. But I never knew he had planned it very clearly. That is what it seemed from our last conversation.”

With a long distance gazing,

He said, “ I do not need all this anymore. I’m stable now. Moreover, I never told it is a relationship. Why did you feel that way?”

Her eyes widened.

He said, “I should not have given myself absolutely to you during crunch. That was a mistake. I should have been able to handle myself.”

A drop of tear was at the corner of her eyes.

He said, “I was never comfortable hugging you. It was me who stopped it.”

She said, “ Stop.”

She had this habit of hugging him and kissing on his forehead whenever he leaves for the day. He used to beam with happiness after that kiss.

She kept pondering. Was I blind?

Practically speaking, he is at no fault. That is how the world is. The intensity of his deed is very less. But the person who was involved is a broken wreck.

You don’t tell to random people “I’m your responsibility.”

She took him too seriously because love means the world to her.

Things left within her was given to him. There are other people in his life to take her place. May be she was just a convenience factor. Now, there is no need of her.

She did voice, why these 3 months? What did I gain out of it?

His reply was astounding; “You got to spend time with the person who you love. Isn’t that a great thing?”

That very minute, she knew he was a stranger to her. She never knew him.

 It is not a good feeling to be used when needed and been thrown away mercilessly as it has become a discomfort.

Her last question to him ” Will you miss me?”

He replied, “Yes and understand this is not easy for me too. Letting you go.”

She smiled at his fakeness. 

She left him. And this time it is forever.

He told he could take care of himself.

He let her go.

She locked herself harder this time.

People are so busy using others that they even cannot see the damage they do to the other person – The world for us.

 

Riya

Platinum City

Portebello Road

London

Cross Roads

i1

It is that time of the year, dewdrops, autumn leaves, lush colours and jaunty people around. You feel glee all around you and hence within you. She was speculating, can it ever, again be within you, hence around you. That seems a light year far behind. At a given point of time, at least a lakh people are contemplating with something or the other in life. You can find her in all of those every point of time. She hurtles happiness. In the search of prevailing happiness, she has lost quite a bit. She could never fathom herself.

Stumped to herself is her forte. Life seems a skirmish. In the busy hush of putting a bright smile on her face, the famous fake one; she forgot what is her reality and what is her fakeness. It all seems to have crossed the road, the famous road. Walking, running, crawling, driving, crippling and what not. The road has seen it all. And of course, there is more to come. But you know what, the road has picturesque imagery. Extremely irreplaceable to herself. After crossing a bit of her never-ending dark tunnel, I think she has found her next milestone. Worthy or depraved? Yet to be figured out. Is it another one of her astounding fiascoes or is this the one for which all hurtles and cascades was for?

Her lovely full lips curved a bit with this thought. The last time she thought the same; she was at the verge of death. Though she quivered the thought, she didn’t stop herself or should I say she couldn’t stop herself. Thou are Love. Because love doesn’t let you to. Whatsoever. Her eyes shifted from the swans of the serpentine lake to the guy walking across in the grey jacket. Breeze burnt her skin a jiff. She could feel her body warm up. The cosy love one. He waved at her with loads of love in his eyes. Those smiles and eyes, damn, those made her cross all her inhibitions. The irrefutable love oozing out of them, she could die for. She was all set for the new lessons of her life. Was she?

Their fingers weaved together. They started their walk together around Hype Park. They were endowed with love, just love.

Sara,

12th Feb 2017,

Hyde Park, England,

London

 

 

Exuberance

Just a thought –

Some occurrences in your journey jabs open your eyes towards the punitive veracity of the world and it’s species.

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She would be easily around 85 years. Yet she luridly remembered him. It was desolating to know that she still reminisced him as how he had chosen to show himself to her. 50 years of human life is a lot of time to hold on to something. I conjectured on the power of the miff.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger – Friedrich Nietzsche

She said this to me and I ended up looking through her. I could sense that. The agony that had the power to inoculate me. For some reason, I was keen on knowing what was it. She is one of the most intellectual women I have ever come across in life till now. Her talks and thoughts were immensely instigating. And she told me this:

I was 23 years, when I met him. When we met, I was victimized to certain life threatening ordeals. But, I never had urging thoughts of giving up on life or on myself. I’m a fighter and I strongly believed in spiritual side of mortal life. I believed in natural justice the most. She has that sparkles in her eyes, when she mentioned it. It startled me for a second.

I continued to listen to her. Our world was so picturesque. He changed my acuity towards the bitter globe. Life is never a bed of roses. I understand the presence of thorns amongst roses, but don’t understand the presence of leeches that can kill the roses. His devious comportment was the leech. Love makes you oversee the flaw in them and that is how it should be to relish a serene soul. But his deceit was so formidable that the serene soul lost its denotation. He thrust me into a dark tunnel with a vicious vigor that I’m still finding my way out of it. 50 years and counting. I have had more devastating circumstances to have gone into the tunnel I’m mentioning here. But I had chosen him as the mace to tumble down. I regret the choice.

Do you know why? She had a tear stagnated at the corner of eye still trying to decide on to touch her cheeks or not. I was stuck in the thought of how can someone emote after 50 years of its occurrence? Baffled on the idea of time heals.

I love him. No, he is not my first love. The arch of her lips spoke volumes. He was my life’s companion. I wanted to share all the days I had with him. It was wrecked. I gave in, thus I gave up.

I subsisted to be only a blank page till now. The journey of subsistence was not at all tranquil. Words can’t do justice to those emotions.

And,

He was extremely devoted to me after that act of pretense. He was devoted to not to care about me, to be heartless to me. The perpetual reminder of that promise probed a lot of me yet kept me going. “A lot of me” would need another lifetime to expound.

With inquisitiveness I asked her, “Will you forgive him?” It is said forgiving and forgetting aids in healing. In a jostle she replied, “Does it matter? If it does, then who? He is and was not sorry for his feats. If he had in anyway, he would have found a way to me. And I don’t think anything could heal those wounds that time fails to heal.”

I was standing there, looking at this woman. Eyes wide open. She was a power in herself. Human emotions are complex however cool you tend to portray them. I shook hands expressing how pleased I was to meet her and slowly walked. In my trance – this could be me after 50 years. But do I have the conviction? I’ll figure out soon.

Name: Ariyana

Place: Waterstones, Piccadilly circus, London

Time: 11:10 am

 

Note:

It is a piece of fiction. My favorite author’s note:

“Neither novels nor their readers benefit from attempts to divine whether any facts hide inside a story. Such efforts attack the very idea that made-up stories can matter, which is sort of the foundational assumption of our species.”

– John Green, Fault in our stars

Muzzled within!

Just a thought –

Allow people to walk out of your life. It gives you an opportunity to evaluate relationships and yourself.

4647693438_e3ef058cb9_bA page in “her” diary:

Love is all about tiny gestures of care. I know his care for me. I have seen it, felt it and lived it. Two years of “the unsaid” yet said relationship. Life seems a fairy tale when one is in love. But I never knew this would change into the worst phase. When things changed between us, I saw the reality of the relationship we shared. The “real him”.

The decision to choose mottled paths in life slowly injected so much pain within me that I started questioning, every act of his. It was not my decision to leave the beautiful relationship far behind. Though the reasons seemed to be very practical, I couldn’t compromise on the fact that he didn’t want to try. A spineless man could be more perilous than anyone. He was spineless. Things came to a point that “I never loved me”, “there is no use of you in my life anymore”, “when did I say that I’m in love with you”, “you can’t really do anything to me because I have decided to leave you” and so on.

A woman is always expected to be strong by this man made world. I know I’m strong. But is being strong is to keep quite to the emotional exploitation by men? I was exploited in the name of love. It was a conscious decision, as I believed in love, in him. It was such an illusion. He proved to be a perfect player. When exquisite thing like love is got without any struggle in life, you don’t tend to realize its worth. He was one of those kinds. When the girl goes beyond a tolerable level to be serious about him, he has his plans to behave and treat her in a way that she gets hurt and moves away by herself. He did exactly the same to me and he chose to run away. It is there in some people’s DNA.

How does it feel? To endure that “treatment” and “behaviour”. Not at all an easy one. The person you had loved a lot chooses to leave you behind to safeguard themselves from their guilt. In the name of family, religion, circumstances, career or whatever? A complete exit that it appears that you were never a part of his life. Not a new story in this big world. It is so common that people refuse to emote to this kind of news. They pat their lashes with this sentence “Grow up and move on”. Out of all this, the most excruciating bit was, he never bothered to alter the perception of him in me ever after that.

It is not to do with relationship it is about a lot more within me, about me. How much ever I drone about it, I can’t make people care or change. This entire experience in my life has changed me as an individual. I’m muzzled within. He took away an integral part of me. I will never be the same. Being called the emotional one, I’m the one to be blamed and I did blame myself for being blind in love.

I changed. I started existing than living and it pained so much less.

Note:

I came across a Londoner who shared the above, most personal happenings of her life. We became friends in London underground. The red flowers that I had in my hand was the reason for her to talk to me. She envied me for having such a good friend who had gifted me that. This is how our friendship started.

Her story made me wonder how many girls are out there who were subjected to such life altering experiences. I also often ponder on the thought if the person who are a reason for such a change in someone comes to know what they have done, will they be able to forgive themselves or would be callous to just go on with life like most of us do?