Barren

Just a thought –

One can never reason out other’s behaviour. Try to mend yours as the world is filled with a lot of heartless people.

classy-woman

Well, if you ask me to narrate one life-changing incident I have experienced till now, hmmm….there are lots (Laughs). But I would tell you my favourite one because this ruined the last bit of me with astounding intensity that resonates till today somewhere within me.

We were best friends. At least, I thought that way. And religiously, I remorse discerning that way.

Long story short, in due course of time, I fell in love with him. His charm was such that. The problem was we were best friends and we knew each other’s dark secrets. But I forgot to judge him with all those incidents and his behavior to them. I was naïve or didn’t bother. Whatever, I should have envisaged.

So, one day I voiced my feelings for him. I thought he was being really a good soul to turn it down with splendid understanding and maturity of each other’s life and family. I felt gratified of falling for a man like him. Astonishingly, in spite of spending a lot of time with him, all that I thought about him were only misconceptions. The way I got to realize that was a slap that daunted my stability to live.

Days passed after I told him that I want to be with him the rest of the life. A week later, he started becoming lovable to me. We were more than friends. Another week went by and I got to know that he had taken some of my hard works without my knowledge. It was distressing as it came as a shock.

I confronted him. I should say he is an amazing actor. I saw his true face after this phase.

He was so persuasive that he was extremely apologetic for his impulsive behavior. The week when we came close to each other emotionally, we used to discuss about “us” and “our future”  like so many couples out there. Again, I was so much far away in recognizing that I was being wrought.

We made love. Oh sorry! I made love and he was fulfilling his carnal needs and male ego. 

Like any other girl, I was incredulous to be with the love of my life. It was all-perfect till the next dawn.

The next day morning, he asked me not to get serious about this relationship. I told him I was always serious about you. He kept quite. I felt I was received wrongly. I have always spoken about marriage and our families. It was not about only physicality. In fact it was never about physicality. However, slowly and gradually, he moved away from me in an excruciating manner. I’m a sort, who fights for her rights. I fought back. It was my right to know why was our relationship falling apart and why was I ill-treated? And that let me to walk into a dark tunnel in which I’m still strolling. I was never able to push myself to come out of it.

He wanted physicality for that one night. That’s it. There was nothing more to it from his side. He was a shear bastard. He was an emotionally abuser and wanted to jostle me off, as he wanted to just get rid of me. I did leave him. His abuse was carved in that manner. There were lot of things that I wanted to voice to a person like him but somewhere I knew it was of no use.

For people like him, it will never make any difference.

I was clinically depressed for several years of my life. My family gave up on me. They struggled with me for a while and then I was orphaned. The worst bit was I lost myself too when I needed my own support for myself the most. I survived after several suicide attempts. I loathed myself for being wrong about him.

That is not a very ideal place to be in, self-loathing.

For young men out there, I would just say, if sleeping is your only motive, there are people who want that. Try to reach out only to them. Or it’s only a physical urge, there are prostitutes out there too. Do not ever play with someone’s emotions. It should be mutually a casual thing. If not, you are emotionally raping someone and if you ever can forgive yourself, you are not a human.

It took a long time for me to get stabilized for being a fool. It was not only about love, but it was also about trust, friendship, companionship and life. I couldn’t forgive myself for loving a man like him and the series of things he did to me. Because I had a choice and I chose the atrociously wrong one.

Now, it subsided though it is going to be there always within me, somewhere.

Diya Mehta,

12.25 p.m., 11th March 2015

Mumbai, India.

Author’s Note:

We made love. Oh sorry! I made love and he was fulfilling his carnal needs and ego. 

Her eyes, when she uttered that sentence had trillion ounce of pain and pang. Hard for anyone to forget. I’ll remember that for a long time.

I met this young lady in Mumbai, an air hostess with a leading airlines of India,  We made a casual conversation. I was able to relate to her the minute I was talking to her, as I had had a similar story a while back. Life is never easy after such an incident. I was proud of her to have persistence and swim across the ocean. Many don’t survive. They loose the basic ingredients to live life as it is never about love. It is about so many other things.

Young men: Do not do this ever to any girl or to her family.

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Engulfed

Just a thought –

You make your rules. Amend it as you wish. Do not have excuses or reasons to feel right about them.

smoking girl

She woke up in his arms. There, the prodigious within her woke up too. She was wearing her cloths to get away from there. He was blinking his eyes to see what the noise was. He saw her cold and emotionless face. He knew something was wrong. He asked her and kept asking her. But, zilch he knew that she was deaf to all those. He started his plea, “Please don’t leave me. Lets talk about it. Have I had done something iniquitous that hurt you? I really love you and I don’t want us to get over like this.

She tarried. Turned around to look into his eyes, exactly 10 seconds. She looked at him like a vicious tigress that has fulfilled her hunger just then, with a sense of consummation. She grinned. He saw her incredulous. She heard his dirge and she was gone.

In her car:

“Bianca”. She heard the evocative sumptuous whisper yet again. She closed her ears with her hands.

This is the umpteenth guy, who has been humiliated by her. Every single time she feels pleasure. This pleasure has no vindication in her world. Her cab was moving along the coast, somewhere her thoughts drift to her dark past effortlessly.

Past:

“Bianca has lots of scabs that she has to reconcile before she can have a peaceful relationship”, said the doctor to her mom. I’m afraid she would keep doing this to herself if she tries to run away from them. She ought to face them.

She heard it. She also saw the drops of tears in her mom’s eyes. Coming out of the clinic, she spoke to her mom. The long awaited conversation. She assured her that she would give life another chance. No one can deter her from doing it. But you know life is a bitch.

Airport:

“Bia, promise me that you would take care of yourself and your wounds from bleeding more.” She smiled. She had one of those cutest serene smiles in the world. Her innocence still locked within amidst the tempests.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to London International Airport. The local time is 1 pm and the temperature is 4 degree Celsius”

There she is in her beloved city for the first time in search of new life.

“Hi”, said Zafar, one of the cabin crewmembers. I just wanted to say you looked really beautiful with your messy hair all over your face, when you were sleeping.

She looked straight into his eyes. The spark. She had her mind voice telling her, “Stay away”. She expeditiously said thanks and fled from there to her university accommodation.

She was hunted religiously.

Being judgmental about people within you is never wrong. Voicing or allowing the judgments to influence other’s behavior is an inappropriate human nature.

Sometimes love makes you believe in those larger than life emotions. Bianca was flying in the air. Her life made sense to her. Her sufferings made sense to her. She alleged that it was all worth it.

Because she met Zafar.

Everything about Zafar made her like a whipped animal. He was a good player. She heard his heartbeats and he whispered into her ears, “Bianca”. She wished, she could tell him what it meant to her. Words can’t explicate certain human emotions. She blinked her eyes open to see him getting ready in his uniform to get to work. And he gave her the saccharine chortle possible. And there he said, “It was nice knowing you”.

Her dirge never reached his ears because it never came out of her. She was silenced once for all. Now, everything made unequivocally no sense. When was she ever efficacious in telling people that they are not only close to her heart but they are a part of it? Here goes another part. He took it in such a way that it left vicious bleeding behind.

World within her was doomed. She had to reconstruct it again. The damage done this time was amplified. She questioned her competencies in weathering in this big nasty world. She also realized that questions in life remain the same but answers to them keep changing as a human grows and evolves.

She changed her answers.

Present:

She snapped out of her thoughts and opened the newspaper.

“Zafar Khan, after 9 years of dating, finally gets married to the love of his life.”

She placed a cigarette on her feverish lips and lit it. After a puff, she said, “Motherfucking-son-of-a-bitch.” She turned the page.

Love-lust-trust-betrayal. She amended her rules for herself. Life was way easier. Meet one of the successful models of the generation – Bianca

Muzzled within!

Just a thought –

Allow people to walk out of your life. It gives you an opportunity to evaluate relationships and yourself.

4647693438_e3ef058cb9_bA page in “her” diary:

Love is all about tiny gestures of care. I know his care for me. I have seen it, felt it and lived it. Two years of “the unsaid” yet said relationship. Life seems a fairy tale when one is in love. But I never knew this would change into the worst phase. When things changed between us, I saw the reality of the relationship we shared. The “real him”.

The decision to choose mottled paths in life slowly injected so much pain within me that I started questioning, every act of his. It was not my decision to leave the beautiful relationship far behind. Though the reasons seemed to be very practical, I couldn’t compromise on the fact that he didn’t want to try. A spineless man could be more perilous than anyone. He was spineless. Things came to a point that “I never loved me”, “there is no use of you in my life anymore”, “when did I say that I’m in love with you”, “you can’t really do anything to me because I have decided to leave you” and so on.

A woman is always expected to be strong by this man made world. I know I’m strong. But is being strong is to keep quite to the emotional exploitation by men? I was exploited in the name of love. It was a conscious decision, as I believed in love, in him. It was such an illusion. He proved to be a perfect player. When exquisite thing like love is got without any struggle in life, you don’t tend to realize its worth. He was one of those kinds. When the girl goes beyond a tolerable level to be serious about him, he has his plans to behave and treat her in a way that she gets hurt and moves away by herself. He did exactly the same to me and he chose to run away. It is there in some people’s DNA.

How does it feel? To endure that “treatment” and “behaviour”. Not at all an easy one. The person you had loved a lot chooses to leave you behind to safeguard themselves from their guilt. In the name of family, religion, circumstances, career or whatever? A complete exit that it appears that you were never a part of his life. Not a new story in this big world. It is so common that people refuse to emote to this kind of news. They pat their lashes with this sentence “Grow up and move on”. Out of all this, the most excruciating bit was, he never bothered to alter the perception of him in me ever after that.

It is not to do with relationship it is about a lot more within me, about me. How much ever I drone about it, I can’t make people care or change. This entire experience in my life has changed me as an individual. I’m muzzled within. He took away an integral part of me. I will never be the same. Being called the emotional one, I’m the one to be blamed and I did blame myself for being blind in love.

I changed. I started existing than living and it pained so much less.

Note:

I came across a Londoner who shared the above, most personal happenings of her life. We became friends in London underground. The red flowers that I had in my hand was the reason for her to talk to me. She envied me for having such a good friend who had gifted me that. This is how our friendship started.

Her story made me wonder how many girls are out there who were subjected to such life altering experiences. I also often ponder on the thought if the person who are a reason for such a change in someone comes to know what they have done, will they be able to forgive themselves or would be callous to just go on with life like most of us do?

Poisonous Love!

Just a thought –

Sometimes, you stop and look around to witness the obliteration you have caused to the person who cared for you the most, just to realize that you can never forgive yourself for the inhumanness in you.

man

She stood there frozen. Her lemon shaped eyes, wide open with pearls of tears rolling down in a grotesquely slow haste.

He touched her. Her body was cold and soul was withered. Blood oozing out of the nerve, her petite body lay there, lifeless. He was inert with only his hands wobbling with the sheet of note left for him to ruminate for the days to come.

Past:

He said to his friend, “There she is! Oh god! I was just waiting for this minute of the day (winks).” Their eyes met for few minutes.

Jia, the nerd. She likes to be cut off from the world. She had tweaked herself to be in solitary. Arjun, the Lothario, chased her, as he wanted to vanquish her to boost his male ego. She had once proved him that she was better than him, in the most imperturbable way possible but she never knew that his ego was hurt in the whole episode. He was heroic to make her bend to him. It wasn’t hard for a charmer like him. She fell for him. For the most beautiful person she had beheld in him. She was in love with that hidden personality of his. Somewhere, at a sub-conscious level, he was falling in love with her too. But his pride never allowed him to see it. He wanted to just conquer her.

After knowing him too well for a year, Jia was recklessly in love with him. Now, he owned her and her soul. It was chaste maneuverings of emotions, a brutal act, if only she knew what was coming her way. It was that beautiful day of her life. She was unwinding the woman in her to him. Jia and Arjun made love.

Present:

In her heart wrecking thoughts, “It’s been two weeks since I heard anything from him. He is not answering my calls too. I hope he is fine.” She was completely ignored by him after the most beautiful day of her life. She didn’t loose faith. She has perseverance. After unremitting dogging away acts by him and cruel emotional traumas, she decided to confront him. She went in search of him.

Arjun, “Oh come on! When did I ever tell her that I love her or I’m going to marry her? I wanted revenge and I took it this way. Hey! Listen to the details now.” His friends, “ Hahahaha….really? You are a real stud bro!”

She stood there frozen. Her lemon shaped eyes wide open with pearls of tears rolling down in a grotesquely slow haste.

In a while, his phone rang. The world below his feet slipped away. He ran like a maniac.

He touched her. Her body was cold and soul was withered. Blood oozing out of the nerve, her petite body lay there, lifeless. He was inert with only his hands wobbling with the sheet of note left for him to ruminate for the days to come.

The note:

I knew this intension of yours long back. I chose to be canopy to it, as I believed in you and in my love for you. I couldn’t have had a more beautiful reason than this to give up on life. I’m thankful to the Lord. I would plea you to not to do this to anyone else, as I want to be the last gaffe in your life. I wish you had respected the woman in me if not the love.

I love you. I really do.

Jia

Arjun was cramped for rest of his days in the prison called “life”.

Fervent “Someone”

Loneliness

Just a thought –

The sense of respect for each other’s emotions is as basic as the love in a relationship

She was brooding on “How many in the species of Homo sapiens are virtuous in handling perfidy?” Meet Zakiah, the protagonist, who is equivocating between various vicious human emotions in the most susceptible phase of life. She is a meek girl who lives with the faith of beholding miracles in small gestures of fellow beings. She looks for true emotions amongst ostentatious people. Her fault was to be oblivious that world doesn’t work that way for anyone.

She had felt the chaste love for someone lately. This is not her first love. She has a bitter past that curbs her from men and love. Amid her scuffle to find herself and lurching to get out of the penitentiary she had built for herself, she met him, Kayid, the fervent “someone”, who is competent of going to any limits for his subsistence. Not everyone is adept at moving along with the evolving time. She is one of them. The integrities, ideologies, emotions of human race have tainted according to the expediency. Darwin called it survival of the fittest. He was one such with no values for other’s emotions. No respect.

Zakiah fell for Kayid, so hard that she was blind to his venal intensions. She was overwhelmed with his presence in her life. She was connecting the dots of several occasions that pushed her to him and was grinning about it. Love is perceived as a solitary tenacity for her existence. She conquered gratification in showing love to him.

They go to the same university. Kayid was using her for his materialistic gains. Though she was getting glimpse of his intents, she chose to be oblivion to them in the name of love.

The dark day for her, the reality yet again gave a hard slap. This slap was death striking that she doubted the tranquility of her lucidity. He betrayed her for a worthless materialistic cause. She knew she was being manipulated. She thought, “Is this is what it is or I’m being canopy to him once again?” She had to make the sternest choice, him or the right thing? She chose to do the right thing. If only she had known that she is going is pay a really heavy price for doing the right thing.

Kayid chose to show his dark side to her. She was obligated to wobble her reasons to live life. The relationship that was the reason of life within her pushed her to the verge of giving up on it. Her feelings were not respected. She was not respected. It was beyond what she had alleged he is capable of doing to her. He was efficacious in giving her the permanent silence to her. Her feminism begged him to spare her emotional virginity. Nothing really mattered to him. He cut all his ties with her.

She was left to ponder on the betrayal of her love for the rest of the life.