Sentient choice

Just a thought –

Regret isn’t good for your perishing body and wise mind.

corporate women

Whitecity Overground, London

She was looking out of the window. With a misty heavy sigh! The verdant grasses and spring tress, there is nothing more invigorating than that for a country that is condemned in winter and snow for longer duration of the year. The pace at which her life has taken the unknown unintended pole shift flabbergasts her sometimes. Well, not sometimes, always at the back of her mind. Like always.

Today, was one of those squat days for her? The scenic beauty of London is such that one’s mind creeps effortlessly into those hindered memories. Your brain knows it is forbidden but your heart eternally slithers towards them though it knows it is going to wreck you. Her thoughts were momentarily paused by a 4 years old kid. “Hello Aunty, Morning sunshines.” The serene smile on her face. It was more than mystic. She turned to her and replied, “Morning sunshines honey! How are you doing today?” The kid was lamenting about how her school is becoming hectic and parents are behind her life etc. etc. with loads of chortles and gustoes. In her mind, “ There is something about kids that I could never twig. The right that was scrupulously snatched from me and I stood there when it happened.”

It was her stop to get off the tube. She got up, pulled her attire with elegance and walked straight after she bid bye to the kid. A lovely kid. The 15 minutes walk to her work place was tormenting for her as she was trying to pull her mind away from the wedged thoughts.

Battersea Park Road, London

15 years back, she had made a sentient decision to not to have a kid. She hated the human race too much to be a part of that herd of women who aid in multiplying the human race. She was betrayed in every bearing from the age of 5. You can’t judge her for decisions. She was pinned from everywhere by the Universe. She was in love once upon a time in the same city, London. Yes, really long time back. The man made her a brick.

She was seeing the catastrophic movie that she was subjected to in her mind that was nerve-racking. She was hyperventilating. She stopped, took an anxiety tablet out and gulped it swiftly to catch her breath back. Till this day, she is envisaging on her decision being right or wrong to leave herself far behind. Even farthest stretch of her hand and soul cannot get hold of herself.

May be the girl within is satisfied. But the woman who had lost her motherhood is still weeping to her loss. It is not an easy one. Bearing a child is one of the god’s gifts to women species. She has seen her sister raise her kid amidst the tempest in her life.

It was all worth it. She knew it. Yet, the man had pushed her into a dark tunnel that she failed to climb out of. Irrespective of her at most efforts. Well, not actually one man, few men.

This one decision in her life changed so many things for her. She had lost loved ones who craved till their last breath that she would reconsider it for her own good. But it was all in vain. All these while, she had her hand on her stomach searching for the movement that can never be found.

Her Office, London

The lifts doors opened, she was automated into her stern face, authoritarian walk and that is it, and the businesswoman in her was out for a roll. She entered her cabin that had the name board, “Rhea Khan, CEO – Tedd Ltd”, one of the leading apparel groups of the western world.

She does pray everyday for the woman to RIP to not to regret of letting go of her motherhood.

 

Rhea Khan

CEO- Tedd Ltd,

Battersea Park, London

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Barren

Just a thought –

One can never reason out other’s behaviour. Try to mend yours as the world is filled with a lot of heartless people.

classy-woman

Well, if you ask me to narrate one life-changing incident I have experienced till now, hmmm….there are lots (Laughs). But I would tell you my favourite one because this ruined the last bit of me with astounding intensity that resonates till today somewhere within me.

We were best friends. At least, I thought that way. And religiously, I remorse discerning that way.

Long story short, in due course of time, I fell in love with him. His charm was such that. The problem was we were best friends and we knew each other’s dark secrets. But I forgot to judge him with all those incidents and his behavior to them. I was naïve or didn’t bother. Whatever, I should have envisaged.

So, one day I voiced my feelings for him. I thought he was being really a good soul to turn it down with splendid understanding and maturity of each other’s life and family. I felt gratified of falling for a man like him. Astonishingly, in spite of spending a lot of time with him, all that I thought about him were only misconceptions. The way I got to realize that was a slap that daunted my stability to live.

Days passed after I told him that I want to be with him the rest of the life. A week later, he started becoming lovable to me. We were more than friends. Another week went by and I got to know that he had taken some of my hard works without my knowledge. It was distressing as it came as a shock.

I confronted him. I should say he is an amazing actor. I saw his true face after this phase.

He was so persuasive that he was extremely apologetic for his impulsive behavior. The week when we came close to each other emotionally, we used to discuss about “us” and “our future”  like so many couples out there. Again, I was so much far away in recognizing that I was being wrought.

We made love. Oh sorry! I made love and he was fulfilling his carnal needs and male ego. 

Like any other girl, I was incredulous to be with the love of my life. It was all-perfect till the next dawn.

The next day morning, he asked me not to get serious about this relationship. I told him I was always serious about you. He kept quite. I felt I was received wrongly. I have always spoken about marriage and our families. It was not about only physicality. In fact it was never about physicality. However, slowly and gradually, he moved away from me in an excruciating manner. I’m a sort, who fights for her rights. I fought back. It was my right to know why was our relationship falling apart and why was I ill-treated? And that let me to walk into a dark tunnel in which I’m still strolling. I was never able to push myself to come out of it.

He wanted physicality for that one night. That’s it. There was nothing more to it from his side. He was a shear bastard. He was an emotionally abuser and wanted to jostle me off, as he wanted to just get rid of me. I did leave him. His abuse was carved in that manner. There were lot of things that I wanted to voice to a person like him but somewhere I knew it was of no use.

For people like him, it will never make any difference.

I was clinically depressed for several years of my life. My family gave up on me. They struggled with me for a while and then I was orphaned. The worst bit was I lost myself too when I needed my own support for myself the most. I survived after several suicide attempts. I loathed myself for being wrong about him.

That is not a very ideal place to be in, self-loathing.

For young men out there, I would just say, if sleeping is your only motive, there are people who want that. Try to reach out only to them. Or it’s only a physical urge, there are prostitutes out there too. Do not ever play with someone’s emotions. It should be mutually a casual thing. If not, you are emotionally raping someone and if you ever can forgive yourself, you are not a human.

It took a long time for me to get stabilized for being a fool. It was not only about love, but it was also about trust, friendship, companionship and life. I couldn’t forgive myself for loving a man like him and the series of things he did to me. Because I had a choice and I chose the atrociously wrong one.

Now, it subsided though it is going to be there always within me, somewhere.

Diya Mehta,

12.25 p.m., 11th March 2015

Mumbai, India.

Author’s Note:

We made love. Oh sorry! I made love and he was fulfilling his carnal needs and ego. 

Her eyes, when she uttered that sentence had trillion ounce of pain and pang. Hard for anyone to forget. I’ll remember that for a long time.

I met this young lady in Mumbai, an air hostess with a leading airlines of India,  We made a casual conversation. I was able to relate to her the minute I was talking to her, as I had had a similar story a while back. Life is never easy after such an incident. I was proud of her to have persistence and swim across the ocean. Many don’t survive. They loose the basic ingredients to live life as it is never about love. It is about so many other things.

Young men: Do not do this ever to any girl or to her family.

Engulfed

Just a thought –

You make your rules. Amend it as you wish. Do not have excuses or reasons to feel right about them.

smoking girl

She woke up in his arms. There, the prodigious within her woke up too. She was wearing her cloths to get away from there. He was blinking his eyes to see what the noise was. He saw her cold and emotionless face. He knew something was wrong. He asked her and kept asking her. But, zilch he knew that she was deaf to all those. He started his plea, “Please don’t leave me. Lets talk about it. Have I had done something iniquitous that hurt you? I really love you and I don’t want us to get over like this.

She tarried. Turned around to look into his eyes, exactly 10 seconds. She looked at him like a vicious tigress that has fulfilled her hunger just then, with a sense of consummation. She grinned. He saw her incredulous. She heard his dirge and she was gone.

In her car:

“Bianca”. She heard the evocative sumptuous whisper yet again. She closed her ears with her hands.

This is the umpteenth guy, who has been humiliated by her. Every single time she feels pleasure. This pleasure has no vindication in her world. Her cab was moving along the coast, somewhere her thoughts drift to her dark past effortlessly.

Past:

“Bianca has lots of scabs that she has to reconcile before she can have a peaceful relationship”, said the doctor to her mom. I’m afraid she would keep doing this to herself if she tries to run away from them. She ought to face them.

She heard it. She also saw the drops of tears in her mom’s eyes. Coming out of the clinic, she spoke to her mom. The long awaited conversation. She assured her that she would give life another chance. No one can deter her from doing it. But you know life is a bitch.

Airport:

“Bia, promise me that you would take care of yourself and your wounds from bleeding more.” She smiled. She had one of those cutest serene smiles in the world. Her innocence still locked within amidst the tempests.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to London International Airport. The local time is 1 pm and the temperature is 4 degree Celsius”

There she is in her beloved city for the first time in search of new life.

“Hi”, said Zafar, one of the cabin crewmembers. I just wanted to say you looked really beautiful with your messy hair all over your face, when you were sleeping.

She looked straight into his eyes. The spark. She had her mind voice telling her, “Stay away”. She expeditiously said thanks and fled from there to her university accommodation.

She was hunted religiously.

Being judgmental about people within you is never wrong. Voicing or allowing the judgments to influence other’s behavior is an inappropriate human nature.

Sometimes love makes you believe in those larger than life emotions. Bianca was flying in the air. Her life made sense to her. Her sufferings made sense to her. She alleged that it was all worth it.

Because she met Zafar.

Everything about Zafar made her like a whipped animal. He was a good player. She heard his heartbeats and he whispered into her ears, “Bianca”. She wished, she could tell him what it meant to her. Words can’t explicate certain human emotions. She blinked her eyes open to see him getting ready in his uniform to get to work. And he gave her the saccharine chortle possible. And there he said, “It was nice knowing you”.

Her dirge never reached his ears because it never came out of her. She was silenced once for all. Now, everything made unequivocally no sense. When was she ever efficacious in telling people that they are not only close to her heart but they are a part of it? Here goes another part. He took it in such a way that it left vicious bleeding behind.

World within her was doomed. She had to reconstruct it again. The damage done this time was amplified. She questioned her competencies in weathering in this big nasty world. She also realized that questions in life remain the same but answers to them keep changing as a human grows and evolves.

She changed her answers.

Present:

She snapped out of her thoughts and opened the newspaper.

“Zafar Khan, after 9 years of dating, finally gets married to the love of his life.”

She placed a cigarette on her feverish lips and lit it. After a puff, she said, “Motherfucking-son-of-a-bitch.” She turned the page.

Love-lust-trust-betrayal. She amended her rules for herself. Life was way easier. Meet one of the successful models of the generation – Bianca

One’s own feats

Just a thought –

The feel of “regret”, sometimes, is obligatory for yours and other’s life.

thoughts-girl-lake

The world out there is a unification of a race, that complicate a humble life. This is nothing novel. The attention-grabbing trait is, how the human qualities are sinking.

A layman is capable of blaspheming someone or something to an inconceivable level.

It comes so naturally to people nowadays. It doesn’t even take a whiplash second to digest their act. And every one of us gets away with these lines, “I’m a human too and I tend to make mistakes. What is the big deal?”

Some argue that it is dependent on how the kid is nurtured. With smirks, you again can’t get away by pointing figure at someone else.

I recently came across a person, who I venerated and ended up with abhorrence. It is not about the concept of people change. For all I know, change is constant. It is about how few people are upright at feigning and how few people are naïve. Believe me, being naïve is errant.

I often ponder on the thought, if only emotional exploitation is indictable, how many would dare to do it? Again, it is not about making it unlawful but it is vouching upon the probability of how many would knock their cognizance before doing something atrocious to another being.

I can bet on the fact that this person I came across in the journey of life, would be the cheapest I can ever combat. Simply because this person had all of it. Getting to know this person, I’m assuming the level of being cheap grows with time rather than diminishing and trying to be a better person. Fascinating fact is that this person makes sure that the same thing is reiterated with more intensity later in life. I have been a prey, there were many earlier and would be more too. It took ages for me to get over this priceless experience and compromise on my idiocy. I call it priceless experience because I’m a utopian. It did break me, but I made sure to pick every single piece up.

What was the most infuriating truth? The person was not sorry for what was done. The person’s feats annihilated a girl. A family. A dream. A life. A hope. A promise. A wish. However, all these unseen stooges, didn’t mean anything to anyone. It was all obscured. Perpetually. The person, who did this, was simply not even sorry about it. Not even sorry. The least, a human can emote for his callous acts. All that the person chose to do was to pelt. The person never turned back to see what happened to all of them.

But how does it matter?

I discern that it doesn’t matter. When it matters, if it matters, the person would be in front of each victim at some point in life. Regret. For one’s own feats.

It will. Someday.

The person will pay for his peccadillos.

Priya

St. James Church

London

Exuberance

Just a thought –

Some occurrences in your journey jabs open your eyes towards the punitive veracity of the world and it’s species.

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She would be easily around 85 years. Yet she luridly remembered him. It was desolating to know that she still reminisced him as how he had chosen to show himself to her. 50 years of human life is a lot of time to hold on to something. I conjectured on the power of the miff.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger – Friedrich Nietzsche

She said this to me and I ended up looking through her. I could sense that. The agony that had the power to inoculate me. For some reason, I was keen on knowing what was it. She is one of the most intellectual women I have ever come across in life till now. Her talks and thoughts were immensely instigating. And she told me this:

I was 23 years, when I met him. When we met, I was victimized to certain life threatening ordeals. But, I never had urging thoughts of giving up on life or on myself. I’m a fighter and I strongly believed in spiritual side of mortal life. I believed in natural justice the most. She has that sparkles in her eyes, when she mentioned it. It startled me for a second.

I continued to listen to her. Our world was so picturesque. He changed my acuity towards the bitter globe. Life is never a bed of roses. I understand the presence of thorns amongst roses, but don’t understand the presence of leeches that can kill the roses. His devious comportment was the leech. Love makes you oversee the flaw in them and that is how it should be to relish a serene soul. But his deceit was so formidable that the serene soul lost its denotation. He thrust me into a dark tunnel with a vicious vigor that I’m still finding my way out of it. 50 years and counting. I have had more devastating circumstances to have gone into the tunnel I’m mentioning here. But I had chosen him as the mace to tumble down. I regret the choice.

Do you know why? She had a tear stagnated at the corner of eye still trying to decide on to touch her cheeks or not. I was stuck in the thought of how can someone emote after 50 years of its occurrence? Baffled on the idea of time heals.

I love him. No, he is not my first love. The arch of her lips spoke volumes. He was my life’s companion. I wanted to share all the days I had with him. It was wrecked. I gave in, thus I gave up.

I subsisted to be only a blank page till now. The journey of subsistence was not at all tranquil. Words can’t do justice to those emotions.

And,

He was extremely devoted to me after that act of pretense. He was devoted to not to care about me, to be heartless to me. The perpetual reminder of that promise probed a lot of me yet kept me going. “A lot of me” would need another lifetime to expound.

With inquisitiveness I asked her, “Will you forgive him?” It is said forgiving and forgetting aids in healing. In a jostle she replied, “Does it matter? If it does, then who? He is and was not sorry for his feats. If he had in anyway, he would have found a way to me. And I don’t think anything could heal those wounds that time fails to heal.”

I was standing there, looking at this woman. Eyes wide open. She was a power in herself. Human emotions are complex however cool you tend to portray them. I shook hands expressing how pleased I was to meet her and slowly walked. In my trance – this could be me after 50 years. But do I have the conviction? I’ll figure out soon.

Name: Ariyana

Place: Waterstones, Piccadilly circus, London

Time: 11:10 am

 

Note:

It is a piece of fiction. My favorite author’s note:

“Neither novels nor their readers benefit from attempts to divine whether any facts hide inside a story. Such efforts attack the very idea that made-up stories can matter, which is sort of the foundational assumption of our species.”

– John Green, Fault in our stars

Muzzled within!

Just a thought –

Allow people to walk out of your life. It gives you an opportunity to evaluate relationships and yourself.

4647693438_e3ef058cb9_bA page in “her” diary:

Love is all about tiny gestures of care. I know his care for me. I have seen it, felt it and lived it. Two years of “the unsaid” yet said relationship. Life seems a fairy tale when one is in love. But I never knew this would change into the worst phase. When things changed between us, I saw the reality of the relationship we shared. The “real him”.

The decision to choose mottled paths in life slowly injected so much pain within me that I started questioning, every act of his. It was not my decision to leave the beautiful relationship far behind. Though the reasons seemed to be very practical, I couldn’t compromise on the fact that he didn’t want to try. A spineless man could be more perilous than anyone. He was spineless. Things came to a point that “I never loved me”, “there is no use of you in my life anymore”, “when did I say that I’m in love with you”, “you can’t really do anything to me because I have decided to leave you” and so on.

A woman is always expected to be strong by this man made world. I know I’m strong. But is being strong is to keep quite to the emotional exploitation by men? I was exploited in the name of love. It was a conscious decision, as I believed in love, in him. It was such an illusion. He proved to be a perfect player. When exquisite thing like love is got without any struggle in life, you don’t tend to realize its worth. He was one of those kinds. When the girl goes beyond a tolerable level to be serious about him, he has his plans to behave and treat her in a way that she gets hurt and moves away by herself. He did exactly the same to me and he chose to run away. It is there in some people’s DNA.

How does it feel? To endure that “treatment” and “behaviour”. Not at all an easy one. The person you had loved a lot chooses to leave you behind to safeguard themselves from their guilt. In the name of family, religion, circumstances, career or whatever? A complete exit that it appears that you were never a part of his life. Not a new story in this big world. It is so common that people refuse to emote to this kind of news. They pat their lashes with this sentence “Grow up and move on”. Out of all this, the most excruciating bit was, he never bothered to alter the perception of him in me ever after that.

It is not to do with relationship it is about a lot more within me, about me. How much ever I drone about it, I can’t make people care or change. This entire experience in my life has changed me as an individual. I’m muzzled within. He took away an integral part of me. I will never be the same. Being called the emotional one, I’m the one to be blamed and I did blame myself for being blind in love.

I changed. I started existing than living and it pained so much less.

Note:

I came across a Londoner who shared the above, most personal happenings of her life. We became friends in London underground. The red flowers that I had in my hand was the reason for her to talk to me. She envied me for having such a good friend who had gifted me that. This is how our friendship started.

Her story made me wonder how many girls are out there who were subjected to such life altering experiences. I also often ponder on the thought if the person who are a reason for such a change in someone comes to know what they have done, will they be able to forgive themselves or would be callous to just go on with life like most of us do?

Fervent “Someone”

Loneliness

Just a thought –

The sense of respect for each other’s emotions is as basic as the love in a relationship

She was brooding on “How many in the species of Homo sapiens are virtuous in handling perfidy?” Meet Zakiah, the protagonist, who is equivocating between various vicious human emotions in the most susceptible phase of life. She is a meek girl who lives with the faith of beholding miracles in small gestures of fellow beings. She looks for true emotions amongst ostentatious people. Her fault was to be oblivious that world doesn’t work that way for anyone.

She had felt the chaste love for someone lately. This is not her first love. She has a bitter past that curbs her from men and love. Amid her scuffle to find herself and lurching to get out of the penitentiary she had built for herself, she met him, Kayid, the fervent “someone”, who is competent of going to any limits for his subsistence. Not everyone is adept at moving along with the evolving time. She is one of them. The integrities, ideologies, emotions of human race have tainted according to the expediency. Darwin called it survival of the fittest. He was one such with no values for other’s emotions. No respect.

Zakiah fell for Kayid, so hard that she was blind to his venal intensions. She was overwhelmed with his presence in her life. She was connecting the dots of several occasions that pushed her to him and was grinning about it. Love is perceived as a solitary tenacity for her existence. She conquered gratification in showing love to him.

They go to the same university. Kayid was using her for his materialistic gains. Though she was getting glimpse of his intents, she chose to be oblivion to them in the name of love.

The dark day for her, the reality yet again gave a hard slap. This slap was death striking that she doubted the tranquility of her lucidity. He betrayed her for a worthless materialistic cause. She knew she was being manipulated. She thought, “Is this is what it is or I’m being canopy to him once again?” She had to make the sternest choice, him or the right thing? She chose to do the right thing. If only she had known that she is going is pay a really heavy price for doing the right thing.

Kayid chose to show his dark side to her. She was obligated to wobble her reasons to live life. The relationship that was the reason of life within her pushed her to the verge of giving up on it. Her feelings were not respected. She was not respected. It was beyond what she had alleged he is capable of doing to her. He was efficacious in giving her the permanent silence to her. Her feminism begged him to spare her emotional virginity. Nothing really mattered to him. He cut all his ties with her.

She was left to ponder on the betrayal of her love for the rest of the life.

The needed “Chivalry”!

undertheskin-5

“Wont” is one of those deadly diseases that gradually erode your brain. It is not that easy to break a habit. Human brain gets so used to it that you would have no control over it. I have given a lot of thought to such situations. I have also tried to place myself in the shoes of those friends who discuss the topic of “habit” with me to guide them, especially when their brain just can’t think straight. Apart from giving some award-winning substantial tips to them, every single time I would end the thought by telling to myself that I have so much of self-control. I can very well control my thoughts and what I want and do.

Today, I got to know how wrong I was. Sub-consciously you tend to become cognitive to it. When you do it everyday. Every single day for past 7 months, it is not easy to miss it. Not even one day. I got to learn another life skill today. In my opinion, everyone needs to master it. If all of us have the guts to break a habit when you realize it is eating you, then that would be worth calling “chivalry”.