Barren

Just a thought –

One can never reason out other’s behaviour. Try to mend yours as the world is filled with a lot of heartless people.

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Well, if you ask me to narrate one life-changing incident I have experienced till now, hmmm….there are lots (Laughs). But I would tell you my favourite one because this ruined the last bit of me with astounding intensity that resonates till today somewhere within me.

We were best friends. At least, I thought that way. And religiously, I remorse discerning that way.

Long story short, in due course of time, I fell in love with him. His charm was such that. The problem was we were best friends and we knew each other’s dark secrets. But I forgot to judge him with all those incidents and his behavior to them. I was naïve or didn’t bother. Whatever, I should have envisaged.

So, one day I voiced my feelings for him. I thought he was being really a good soul to turn it down with splendid understanding and maturity of each other’s life and family. I felt gratified of falling for a man like him. Astonishingly, in spite of spending a lot of time with him, all that I thought about him were only misconceptions. The way I got to realize that was a slap that daunted my stability to live.

Days passed after I told him that I want to be with him the rest of the life. A week later, he started becoming lovable to me. We were more than friends. Another week went by and I got to know that he had taken some of my hard works without my knowledge. It was distressing as it came as a shock.

I confronted him. I should say he is an amazing actor. I saw his true face after this phase.

He was so persuasive that he was extremely apologetic for his impulsive behavior. The week when we came close to each other emotionally, we used to discuss about “us” and “our future”  like so many couples out there. Again, I was so much far away in recognizing that I was being wrought.

We made love. Oh sorry! I made love and he was fulfilling his carnal needs and male ego. 

Like any other girl, I was incredulous to be with the love of my life. It was all-perfect till the next dawn.

The next day morning, he asked me not to get serious about this relationship. I told him I was always serious about you. He kept quite. I felt I was received wrongly. I have always spoken about marriage and our families. It was not about only physicality. In fact it was never about physicality. However, slowly and gradually, he moved away from me in an excruciating manner. I’m a sort, who fights for her rights. I fought back. It was my right to know why was our relationship falling apart and why was I ill-treated? And that let me to walk into a dark tunnel in which I’m still strolling. I was never able to push myself to come out of it.

He wanted physicality for that one night. That’s it. There was nothing more to it from his side. He was a shear bastard. He was an emotionally abuser and wanted to jostle me off, as he wanted to just get rid of me. I did leave him. His abuse was carved in that manner. There were lot of things that I wanted to voice to a person like him but somewhere I knew it was of no use.

For people like him, it will never make any difference.

I was clinically depressed for several years of my life. My family gave up on me. They struggled with me for a while and then I was orphaned. The worst bit was I lost myself too when I needed my own support for myself the most. I survived after several suicide attempts. I loathed myself for being wrong about him.

That is not a very ideal place to be in, self-loathing.

For young men out there, I would just say, if sleeping is your only motive, there are people who want that. Try to reach out only to them. Or it’s only a physical urge, there are prostitutes out there too. Do not ever play with someone’s emotions. It should be mutually a casual thing. If not, you are emotionally raping someone and if you ever can forgive yourself, you are not a human.

It took a long time for me to get stabilized for being a fool. It was not only about love, but it was also about trust, friendship, companionship and life. I couldn’t forgive myself for loving a man like him and the series of things he did to me. Because I had a choice and I chose the atrociously wrong one.

Now, it subsided though it is going to be there always within me, somewhere.

Diya Mehta,

12.25 p.m., 11th March 2015

Mumbai, India.

Author’s Note:

We made love. Oh sorry! I made love and he was fulfilling his carnal needs and ego. 

Her eyes, when she uttered that sentence had trillion ounce of pain and pang. Hard for anyone to forget. I’ll remember that for a long time.

I met this young lady in Mumbai, an air hostess with a leading airlines of India,  We made a casual conversation. I was able to relate to her the minute I was talking to her, as I had had a similar story a while back. Life is never easy after such an incident. I was proud of her to have persistence and swim across the ocean. Many don’t survive. They loose the basic ingredients to live life as it is never about love. It is about so many other things.

Young men: Do not do this ever to any girl or to her family.

One’s own feats

Just a thought –

The feel of “regret”, sometimes, is obligatory for yours and other’s life.

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The world out there is a unification of a race, that complicate a humble life. This is nothing novel. The attention-grabbing trait is, how the human qualities are sinking.

A layman is capable of blaspheming someone or something to an inconceivable level.

It comes so naturally to people nowadays. It doesn’t even take a whiplash second to digest their act. And every one of us gets away with these lines, “I’m a human too and I tend to make mistakes. What is the big deal?”

Some argue that it is dependent on how the kid is nurtured. With smirks, you again can’t get away by pointing figure at someone else.

I recently came across a person, who I venerated and ended up with abhorrence. It is not about the concept of people change. For all I know, change is constant. It is about how few people are upright at feigning and how few people are naïve. Believe me, being naïve is errant.

I often ponder on the thought, if only emotional exploitation is indictable, how many would dare to do it? Again, it is not about making it unlawful but it is vouching upon the probability of how many would knock their cognizance before doing something atrocious to another being.

I can bet on the fact that this person I came across in the journey of life, would be the cheapest I can ever combat. Simply because this person had all of it. Getting to know this person, I’m assuming the level of being cheap grows with time rather than diminishing and trying to be a better person. Fascinating fact is that this person makes sure that the same thing is reiterated with more intensity later in life. I have been a prey, there were many earlier and would be more too. It took ages for me to get over this priceless experience and compromise on my idiocy. I call it priceless experience because I’m a utopian. It did break me, but I made sure to pick every single piece up.

What was the most infuriating truth? The person was not sorry for what was done. The person’s feats annihilated a girl. A family. A dream. A life. A hope. A promise. A wish. However, all these unseen stooges, didn’t mean anything to anyone. It was all obscured. Perpetually. The person, who did this, was simply not even sorry about it. Not even sorry. The least, a human can emote for his callous acts. All that the person chose to do was to pelt. The person never turned back to see what happened to all of them.

But how does it matter?

I discern that it doesn’t matter. When it matters, if it matters, the person would be in front of each victim at some point in life. Regret. For one’s own feats.

It will. Someday.

The person will pay for his peccadillos.

Priya

St. James Church

London

“Breakups” in Friendship

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Just a thought –

Giving thoughts to the question, “why are we friends” jeopardises a friendship

She was lying awake on her bed, gazing at the ceiling. Lobbing now and then was the only thing she has been doing for past 6 hours. It was apparently a sub conscious movement. Her brain had literally bunged working a while back. Trying hard to figure out something, tears rolled on her sweet pinkish cheeks. Minutes later, she wiped it out realizing her idiocy.

She thought, “How can I just cry for anyone like this. After all he is just a friend. Who cares? Let all of them go to hell. I won’t let such stupid things distress me.” Her babbling voice and eyes lucidly showed her that she was indeed troubled to a greater extend. All that she wanted to know was “what happened?”

She was trying hard to remember if she had told or did anything that could have hurt him. She was not able to reminisce one, which made her cry more. Being destitute is a state that could ruin your happiness eternally. She thought, enough is enough; whatever it is, he can talk to me like I do. Why is this weird thing happening between us? Gosh! It is so painful. It’s been a month now. I miss, terribly miss the fun I used to have with him, which I never thought of adding to my “I would miss it” list. I never thought I would miss it. Then why am I missing it now?

She picked her phone to call him and that very moment, her phone beeped. It was him. She was never this panicky to pick her best friend’s call. Finally, after the thunder striking muddles, she picked. He said, “Hi. How are you doing?” She took deep breaths to fathom it was actually him to whom she was talking. But he was not bothered about it as always. Without letting her react or reply, he continued, “I wanted to ask about our Science project. Are we meeting to discuss on it? I really want our project to be the best.” She was enraged the other side. In her thoughts, “I’m dying every minute here trying to understand your indifference towards me. You call after 3 complete days to talk about Science project. I’m so gonna kill you.” She replied, “4.30 pm today” and hung the call.

She was determined to talk it out today. Rather she was prepared to yell at him. They met at their favorite hang out place as they used to meet every single day. She didn’t give him a chance to speak. She went straight to him and asked, “What is your problem? Why are you not the usual Avi I know?” He smiled at her as if he was just waiting for this volcano to burst. He politely replied, “We are just friends. Aren’t we? That is why I’m behaving like one.” She rolled her eyes and asked, “Now, what does this mean on earth?” He was happier now. He came an inch closer to her and spoke into her ears. “I want to be just friends with you as that is what you want. Before this one month, I don’t think it was just friendship between us. Hope you understand. So, let me be just friends with you, Ann.”

He left the place swiftly. She sat there puzzled. The days of them being together ran like a movie in front of her eyes. The way they used to tease girls and guys randomly on the road, pani puri hogging, their silence, when they used to sit at Marine drives, the fun, the protectiveness, that feeling. Oh god! How was I so blind towards my own feelings? She smiled to herself, nodding her head. The next day morning, she was flying to Mauritius for her holidays.
It was his turn now. He was so restless thinking about her. Just then he got a text message from her that read, “International Airport @ 11 am.” He was extremely baffled to fathom why Airport? Where was she going? Has she taken me wrong? Will she leave our beautiful relationship and me far behind? Will she do such a thing? He headed towards the airport with a massive battle of questions in his head. He found her standing near the entrance, fiddling with her pink lace dress, his favorite one. That cataleptic smile on his face was one of those sweet moments in his life. She ran to him. Finding it hard to make an eye contact with him, with lots of wary evident on her face, she, for the first time in her life realized her feminism. She gave a quick puppy hug and sensually said him, “I love you too.” She moved an inch back, saw him and yelled. Can’t you just tell it to me? You and your melodramas are so tough to put up with. Now, bye. See you after a month. He pulled her back into a tight hug. He just didn’t want to let go of her. She broke from the hug with tears rolling just to say bye once again until they met again.

And, after 9 years of togetherness, they tied the nuptial knot to continue to be in their fairyland of love, which belongs only to Avi and Ann.
“Breakups” in friendship, necessarily, need not be bitter. It could pave way to a beautiful relationship that could be cherished every day of your life.

Pivotal emotion “Love”

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Just a thought-

I get the feel of melancholy subdued in loud music because it mutes the voice of my soul.

With lots of wary, trying to hide that butterflies bustling crusade, she told him. I’m in love with you.

The glimmers in the eyes of the guy were extremely convincing. It would be hard for anyone to think otherwise. But for some reason, when in love, you just can’t see the life beyond. It is the only emotion that is awfully pivotal. The sweet girl was oblivious that the words from her first love would change a part of her eternally. He said with a colossal passion, “I really like you. Really a lot. Beyond what you can think. But, I wish you were little more attractive for me to call you the love of my life.”

She was spellbound. She never knew she would get to hear this from the person whom she loved the most in the world. She was too naïve to discern that the “world of love” works this very sordid way.
That day, she fathomed what love exactly means in this big world. It is not always about the person you are in love with. It is definitely not about the cognitive yearning to spend all the time left for you in this life with him. There are more faces to it.

She was a strong girl. She tried to move on and she did. But the path she chose for it is a very subjective one. It might be the best for her. But I just hope her innocent soul doesn’t regret it when she looks back at her life.

Today’s post is dedicated to one of my close friends. This incident happened around 4 years back. She has got 1000’s of hang-ups and personally, for me, every bit of it is thought provoking. But I chose this story to narrate because the guy is her best friend. I have a thing for such stories.

The needed “Chivalry”!

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“Wont” is one of those deadly diseases that gradually erode your brain. It is not that easy to break a habit. Human brain gets so used to it that you would have no control over it. I have given a lot of thought to such situations. I have also tried to place myself in the shoes of those friends who discuss the topic of “habit” with me to guide them, especially when their brain just can’t think straight. Apart from giving some award-winning substantial tips to them, every single time I would end the thought by telling to myself that I have so much of self-control. I can very well control my thoughts and what I want and do.

Today, I got to know how wrong I was. Sub-consciously you tend to become cognitive to it. When you do it everyday. Every single day for past 7 months, it is not easy to miss it. Not even one day. I got to learn another life skill today. In my opinion, everyone needs to master it. If all of us have the guts to break a habit when you realize it is eating you, then that would be worth calling “chivalry”.