Sentient choice

Just a thought –

Regret isn’t good for your perishing body and wise mind.

corporate women

Whitecity Overground, London

She was looking out of the window. With a misty heavy sigh! The verdant grasses and spring tress, there is nothing more invigorating than that for a country that is condemned in winter and snow for longer duration of the year. The pace at which her life has taken the unknown unintended pole shift flabbergasts her sometimes. Well, not sometimes, always at the back of her mind. Like always.

Today, was one of those squat days for her? The scenic beauty of London is such that one’s mind creeps effortlessly into those hindered memories. Your brain knows it is forbidden but your heart eternally slithers towards them though it knows it is going to wreck you. Her thoughts were momentarily paused by a 4 years old kid. “Hello Aunty, Morning sunshines.” The serene smile on her face. It was more than mystic. She turned to her and replied, “Morning sunshines honey! How are you doing today?” The kid was lamenting about how her school is becoming hectic and parents are behind her life etc. etc. with loads of chortles and gustoes. In her mind, “ There is something about kids that I could never twig. The right that was scrupulously snatched from me and I stood there when it happened.”

It was her stop to get off the tube. She got up, pulled her attire with elegance and walked straight after she bid bye to the kid. A lovely kid. The 15 minutes walk to her work place was tormenting for her as she was trying to pull her mind away from the wedged thoughts.

Battersea Park Road, London

15 years back, she had made a sentient decision to not to have a kid. She hated the human race too much to be a part of that herd of women who aid in multiplying the human race. She was betrayed in every bearing from the age of 5. You can’t judge her for decisions. She was pinned from everywhere by the Universe. She was in love once upon a time in the same city, London. Yes, really long time back. The man made her a brick.

She was seeing the catastrophic movie that she was subjected to in her mind that was nerve-racking. She was hyperventilating. She stopped, took an anxiety tablet out and gulped it swiftly to catch her breath back. Till this day, she is envisaging on her decision being right or wrong to leave herself far behind. Even farthest stretch of her hand and soul cannot get hold of herself.

May be the girl within is satisfied. But the woman who had lost her motherhood is still weeping to her loss. It is not an easy one. Bearing a child is one of the god’s gifts to women species. She has seen her sister raise her kid amidst the tempest in her life.

It was all worth it. She knew it. Yet, the man had pushed her into a dark tunnel that she failed to climb out of. Irrespective of her at most efforts. Well, not actually one man, few men.

This one decision in her life changed so many things for her. She had lost loved ones who craved till their last breath that she would reconsider it for her own good. But it was all in vain. All these while, she had her hand on her stomach searching for the movement that can never be found.

Her Office, London

The lifts doors opened, she was automated into her stern face, authoritarian walk and that is it, and the businesswoman in her was out for a roll. She entered her cabin that had the name board, “Rhea Khan, CEO – Tedd Ltd”, one of the leading apparel groups of the western world.

She does pray everyday for the woman to RIP to not to regret of letting go of her motherhood.

 

Rhea Khan

CEO- Tedd Ltd,

Battersea Park, London

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Barren

Just a thought –

One can never reason out other’s behaviour. Try to mend yours as the world is filled with a lot of heartless people.

classy-woman

Well, if you ask me to narrate one life-changing incident I have experienced till now, hmmm….there are lots (Laughs). But I would tell you my favourite one because this ruined the last bit of me with astounding intensity that resonates till today somewhere within me.

We were best friends. At least, I thought that way. And religiously, I remorse discerning that way.

Long story short, in due course of time, I fell in love with him. His charm was such that. The problem was we were best friends and we knew each other’s dark secrets. But I forgot to judge him with all those incidents and his behavior to them. I was naïve or didn’t bother. Whatever, I should have envisaged.

So, one day I voiced my feelings for him. I thought he was being really a good soul to turn it down with splendid understanding and maturity of each other’s life and family. I felt gratified of falling for a man like him. Astonishingly, in spite of spending a lot of time with him, all that I thought about him were only misconceptions. The way I got to realize that was a slap that daunted my stability to live.

Days passed after I told him that I want to be with him the rest of the life. A week later, he started becoming lovable to me. We were more than friends. Another week went by and I got to know that he had taken some of my hard works without my knowledge. It was distressing as it came as a shock.

I confronted him. I should say he is an amazing actor. I saw his true face after this phase.

He was so persuasive that he was extremely apologetic for his impulsive behavior. The week when we came close to each other emotionally, we used to discuss about “us” and “our future”  like so many couples out there. Again, I was so much far away in recognizing that I was being wrought.

We made love. Oh sorry! I made love and he was fulfilling his carnal needs and male ego. 

Like any other girl, I was incredulous to be with the love of my life. It was all-perfect till the next dawn.

The next day morning, he asked me not to get serious about this relationship. I told him I was always serious about you. He kept quite. I felt I was received wrongly. I have always spoken about marriage and our families. It was not about only physicality. In fact it was never about physicality. However, slowly and gradually, he moved away from me in an excruciating manner. I’m a sort, who fights for her rights. I fought back. It was my right to know why was our relationship falling apart and why was I ill-treated? And that let me to walk into a dark tunnel in which I’m still strolling. I was never able to push myself to come out of it.

He wanted physicality for that one night. That’s it. There was nothing more to it from his side. He was a shear bastard. He was an emotionally abuser and wanted to jostle me off, as he wanted to just get rid of me. I did leave him. His abuse was carved in that manner. There were lot of things that I wanted to voice to a person like him but somewhere I knew it was of no use.

For people like him, it will never make any difference.

I was clinically depressed for several years of my life. My family gave up on me. They struggled with me for a while and then I was orphaned. The worst bit was I lost myself too when I needed my own support for myself the most. I survived after several suicide attempts. I loathed myself for being wrong about him.

That is not a very ideal place to be in, self-loathing.

For young men out there, I would just say, if sleeping is your only motive, there are people who want that. Try to reach out only to them. Or it’s only a physical urge, there are prostitutes out there too. Do not ever play with someone’s emotions. It should be mutually a casual thing. If not, you are emotionally raping someone and if you ever can forgive yourself, you are not a human.

It took a long time for me to get stabilized for being a fool. It was not only about love, but it was also about trust, friendship, companionship and life. I couldn’t forgive myself for loving a man like him and the series of things he did to me. Because I had a choice and I chose the atrociously wrong one.

Now, it subsided though it is going to be there always within me, somewhere.

Diya Mehta,

12.25 p.m., 11th March 2015

Mumbai, India.

Author’s Note:

We made love. Oh sorry! I made love and he was fulfilling his carnal needs and ego. 

Her eyes, when she uttered that sentence had trillion ounce of pain and pang. Hard for anyone to forget. I’ll remember that for a long time.

I met this young lady in Mumbai, an air hostess with a leading airlines of India,  We made a casual conversation. I was able to relate to her the minute I was talking to her, as I had had a similar story a while back. Life is never easy after such an incident. I was proud of her to have persistence and swim across the ocean. Many don’t survive. They loose the basic ingredients to live life as it is never about love. It is about so many other things.

Young men: Do not do this ever to any girl or to her family.

“Breakups” in Friendship

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Just a thought –

Giving thoughts to the question, “why are we friends” jeopardises a friendship

She was lying awake on her bed, gazing at the ceiling. Lobbing now and then was the only thing she has been doing for past 6 hours. It was apparently a sub conscious movement. Her brain had literally bunged working a while back. Trying hard to figure out something, tears rolled on her sweet pinkish cheeks. Minutes later, she wiped it out realizing her idiocy.

She thought, “How can I just cry for anyone like this. After all he is just a friend. Who cares? Let all of them go to hell. I won’t let such stupid things distress me.” Her babbling voice and eyes lucidly showed her that she was indeed troubled to a greater extend. All that she wanted to know was “what happened?”

She was trying hard to remember if she had told or did anything that could have hurt him. She was not able to reminisce one, which made her cry more. Being destitute is a state that could ruin your happiness eternally. She thought, enough is enough; whatever it is, he can talk to me like I do. Why is this weird thing happening between us? Gosh! It is so painful. It’s been a month now. I miss, terribly miss the fun I used to have with him, which I never thought of adding to my “I would miss it” list. I never thought I would miss it. Then why am I missing it now?

She picked her phone to call him and that very moment, her phone beeped. It was him. She was never this panicky to pick her best friend’s call. Finally, after the thunder striking muddles, she picked. He said, “Hi. How are you doing?” She took deep breaths to fathom it was actually him to whom she was talking. But he was not bothered about it as always. Without letting her react or reply, he continued, “I wanted to ask about our Science project. Are we meeting to discuss on it? I really want our project to be the best.” She was enraged the other side. In her thoughts, “I’m dying every minute here trying to understand your indifference towards me. You call after 3 complete days to talk about Science project. I’m so gonna kill you.” She replied, “4.30 pm today” and hung the call.

She was determined to talk it out today. Rather she was prepared to yell at him. They met at their favorite hang out place as they used to meet every single day. She didn’t give him a chance to speak. She went straight to him and asked, “What is your problem? Why are you not the usual Avi I know?” He smiled at her as if he was just waiting for this volcano to burst. He politely replied, “We are just friends. Aren’t we? That is why I’m behaving like one.” She rolled her eyes and asked, “Now, what does this mean on earth?” He was happier now. He came an inch closer to her and spoke into her ears. “I want to be just friends with you as that is what you want. Before this one month, I don’t think it was just friendship between us. Hope you understand. So, let me be just friends with you, Ann.”

He left the place swiftly. She sat there puzzled. The days of them being together ran like a movie in front of her eyes. The way they used to tease girls and guys randomly on the road, pani puri hogging, their silence, when they used to sit at Marine drives, the fun, the protectiveness, that feeling. Oh god! How was I so blind towards my own feelings? She smiled to herself, nodding her head. The next day morning, she was flying to Mauritius for her holidays.
It was his turn now. He was so restless thinking about her. Just then he got a text message from her that read, “International Airport @ 11 am.” He was extremely baffled to fathom why Airport? Where was she going? Has she taken me wrong? Will she leave our beautiful relationship and me far behind? Will she do such a thing? He headed towards the airport with a massive battle of questions in his head. He found her standing near the entrance, fiddling with her pink lace dress, his favorite one. That cataleptic smile on his face was one of those sweet moments in his life. She ran to him. Finding it hard to make an eye contact with him, with lots of wary evident on her face, she, for the first time in her life realized her feminism. She gave a quick puppy hug and sensually said him, “I love you too.” She moved an inch back, saw him and yelled. Can’t you just tell it to me? You and your melodramas are so tough to put up with. Now, bye. See you after a month. He pulled her back into a tight hug. He just didn’t want to let go of her. She broke from the hug with tears rolling just to say bye once again until they met again.

And, after 9 years of togetherness, they tied the nuptial knot to continue to be in their fairyland of love, which belongs only to Avi and Ann.
“Breakups” in friendship, necessarily, need not be bitter. It could pave way to a beautiful relationship that could be cherished every day of your life.