Sentient choice

Just a thought –

Regret isn’t good for your perishing body and wise mind.

corporate women

Whitecity Overground, London

She was looking out of the window. With a misty heavy sigh! The verdant grasses and spring tress, there is nothing more invigorating than that for a country that is condemned in winter and snow for longer duration of the year. The pace at which her life has taken the unknown unintended pole shift flabbergasts her sometimes. Well, not sometimes, always at the back of her mind. Like always.

Today, was one of those squat days for her? The scenic beauty of London is such that one’s mind creeps effortlessly into those hindered memories. Your brain knows it is forbidden but your heart eternally slithers towards them though it knows it is going to wreck you. Her thoughts were momentarily paused by a 4 years old kid. “Hello Aunty, Morning sunshines.” The serene smile on her face. It was more than mystic. She turned to her and replied, “Morning sunshines honey! How are you doing today?” The kid was lamenting about how her school is becoming hectic and parents are behind her life etc. etc. with loads of chortles and gustoes. In her mind, “ There is something about kids that I could never twig. The right that was scrupulously snatched from me and I stood there when it happened.”

It was her stop to get off the tube. She got up, pulled her attire with elegance and walked straight after she bid bye to the kid. A lovely kid. The 15 minutes walk to her work place was tormenting for her as she was trying to pull her mind away from the wedged thoughts.

Battersea Park Road, London

15 years back, she had made a sentient decision to not to have a kid. She hated the human race too much to be a part of that herd of women who aid in multiplying the human race. She was betrayed in every bearing from the age of 5. You can’t judge her for decisions. She was pinned from everywhere by the Universe. She was in love once upon a time in the same city, London. Yes, really long time back. The man made her a brick.

She was seeing the catastrophic movie that she was subjected to in her mind that was nerve-racking. She was hyperventilating. She stopped, took an anxiety tablet out and gulped it swiftly to catch her breath back. Till this day, she is envisaging on her decision being right or wrong to leave herself far behind. Even farthest stretch of her hand and soul cannot get hold of herself.

May be the girl within is satisfied. But the woman who had lost her motherhood is still weeping to her loss. It is not an easy one. Bearing a child is one of the god’s gifts to women species. She has seen her sister raise her kid amidst the tempest in her life.

It was all worth it. She knew it. Yet, the man had pushed her into a dark tunnel that she failed to climb out of. Irrespective of her at most efforts. Well, not actually one man, few men.

This one decision in her life changed so many things for her. She had lost loved ones who craved till their last breath that she would reconsider it for her own good. But it was all in vain. All these while, she had her hand on her stomach searching for the movement that can never be found.

Her Office, London

The lifts doors opened, she was automated into her stern face, authoritarian walk and that is it, and the businesswoman in her was out for a roll. She entered her cabin that had the name board, “Rhea Khan, CEO – Tedd Ltd”, one of the leading apparel groups of the western world.

She does pray everyday for the woman to RIP to not to regret of letting go of her motherhood.

 

Rhea Khan

CEO- Tedd Ltd,

Battersea Park, London

Engulfed

Just a thought –

You make your rules. Amend it as you wish. Do not have excuses or reasons to feel right about them.

smoking girl

She woke up in his arms. There, the prodigious within her woke up too. She was wearing her cloths to get away from there. He was blinking his eyes to see what the noise was. He saw her cold and emotionless face. He knew something was wrong. He asked her and kept asking her. But, zilch he knew that she was deaf to all those. He started his plea, “Please don’t leave me. Lets talk about it. Have I had done something iniquitous that hurt you? I really love you and I don’t want us to get over like this.

She tarried. Turned around to look into his eyes, exactly 10 seconds. She looked at him like a vicious tigress that has fulfilled her hunger just then, with a sense of consummation. She grinned. He saw her incredulous. She heard his dirge and she was gone.

In her car:

“Bianca”. She heard the evocative sumptuous whisper yet again. She closed her ears with her hands.

This is the umpteenth guy, who has been humiliated by her. Every single time she feels pleasure. This pleasure has no vindication in her world. Her cab was moving along the coast, somewhere her thoughts drift to her dark past effortlessly.

Past:

“Bianca has lots of scabs that she has to reconcile before she can have a peaceful relationship”, said the doctor to her mom. I’m afraid she would keep doing this to herself if she tries to run away from them. She ought to face them.

She heard it. She also saw the drops of tears in her mom’s eyes. Coming out of the clinic, she spoke to her mom. The long awaited conversation. She assured her that she would give life another chance. No one can deter her from doing it. But you know life is a bitch.

Airport:

“Bia, promise me that you would take care of yourself and your wounds from bleeding more.” She smiled. She had one of those cutest serene smiles in the world. Her innocence still locked within amidst the tempests.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to London International Airport. The local time is 1 pm and the temperature is 4 degree Celsius”

There she is in her beloved city for the first time in search of new life.

“Hi”, said Zafar, one of the cabin crewmembers. I just wanted to say you looked really beautiful with your messy hair all over your face, when you were sleeping.

She looked straight into his eyes. The spark. She had her mind voice telling her, “Stay away”. She expeditiously said thanks and fled from there to her university accommodation.

She was hunted religiously.

Being judgmental about people within you is never wrong. Voicing or allowing the judgments to influence other’s behavior is an inappropriate human nature.

Sometimes love makes you believe in those larger than life emotions. Bianca was flying in the air. Her life made sense to her. Her sufferings made sense to her. She alleged that it was all worth it.

Because she met Zafar.

Everything about Zafar made her like a whipped animal. He was a good player. She heard his heartbeats and he whispered into her ears, “Bianca”. She wished, she could tell him what it meant to her. Words can’t explicate certain human emotions. She blinked her eyes open to see him getting ready in his uniform to get to work. And he gave her the saccharine chortle possible. And there he said, “It was nice knowing you”.

Her dirge never reached his ears because it never came out of her. She was silenced once for all. Now, everything made unequivocally no sense. When was she ever efficacious in telling people that they are not only close to her heart but they are a part of it? Here goes another part. He took it in such a way that it left vicious bleeding behind.

World within her was doomed. She had to reconstruct it again. The damage done this time was amplified. She questioned her competencies in weathering in this big nasty world. She also realized that questions in life remain the same but answers to them keep changing as a human grows and evolves.

She changed her answers.

Present:

She snapped out of her thoughts and opened the newspaper.

“Zafar Khan, after 9 years of dating, finally gets married to the love of his life.”

She placed a cigarette on her feverish lips and lit it. After a puff, she said, “Motherfucking-son-of-a-bitch.” She turned the page.

Love-lust-trust-betrayal. She amended her rules for herself. Life was way easier. Meet one of the successful models of the generation – Bianca

Exuberance

Just a thought –

Some occurrences in your journey jabs open your eyes towards the punitive veracity of the world and it’s species.

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She would be easily around 85 years. Yet she luridly remembered him. It was desolating to know that she still reminisced him as how he had chosen to show himself to her. 50 years of human life is a lot of time to hold on to something. I conjectured on the power of the miff.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger – Friedrich Nietzsche

She said this to me and I ended up looking through her. I could sense that. The agony that had the power to inoculate me. For some reason, I was keen on knowing what was it. She is one of the most intellectual women I have ever come across in life till now. Her talks and thoughts were immensely instigating. And she told me this:

I was 23 years, when I met him. When we met, I was victimized to certain life threatening ordeals. But, I never had urging thoughts of giving up on life or on myself. I’m a fighter and I strongly believed in spiritual side of mortal life. I believed in natural justice the most. She has that sparkles in her eyes, when she mentioned it. It startled me for a second.

I continued to listen to her. Our world was so picturesque. He changed my acuity towards the bitter globe. Life is never a bed of roses. I understand the presence of thorns amongst roses, but don’t understand the presence of leeches that can kill the roses. His devious comportment was the leech. Love makes you oversee the flaw in them and that is how it should be to relish a serene soul. But his deceit was so formidable that the serene soul lost its denotation. He thrust me into a dark tunnel with a vicious vigor that I’m still finding my way out of it. 50 years and counting. I have had more devastating circumstances to have gone into the tunnel I’m mentioning here. But I had chosen him as the mace to tumble down. I regret the choice.

Do you know why? She had a tear stagnated at the corner of eye still trying to decide on to touch her cheeks or not. I was stuck in the thought of how can someone emote after 50 years of its occurrence? Baffled on the idea of time heals.

I love him. No, he is not my first love. The arch of her lips spoke volumes. He was my life’s companion. I wanted to share all the days I had with him. It was wrecked. I gave in, thus I gave up.

I subsisted to be only a blank page till now. The journey of subsistence was not at all tranquil. Words can’t do justice to those emotions.

And,

He was extremely devoted to me after that act of pretense. He was devoted to not to care about me, to be heartless to me. The perpetual reminder of that promise probed a lot of me yet kept me going. “A lot of me” would need another lifetime to expound.

With inquisitiveness I asked her, “Will you forgive him?” It is said forgiving and forgetting aids in healing. In a jostle she replied, “Does it matter? If it does, then who? He is and was not sorry for his feats. If he had in anyway, he would have found a way to me. And I don’t think anything could heal those wounds that time fails to heal.”

I was standing there, looking at this woman. Eyes wide open. She was a power in herself. Human emotions are complex however cool you tend to portray them. I shook hands expressing how pleased I was to meet her and slowly walked. In my trance – this could be me after 50 years. But do I have the conviction? I’ll figure out soon.

Name: Ariyana

Place: Waterstones, Piccadilly circus, London

Time: 11:10 am

 

Note:

It is a piece of fiction. My favorite author’s note:

“Neither novels nor their readers benefit from attempts to divine whether any facts hide inside a story. Such efforts attack the very idea that made-up stories can matter, which is sort of the foundational assumption of our species.”

– John Green, Fault in our stars

Fervent “Someone”

Loneliness

Just a thought –

The sense of respect for each other’s emotions is as basic as the love in a relationship

She was brooding on “How many in the species of Homo sapiens are virtuous in handling perfidy?” Meet Zakiah, the protagonist, who is equivocating between various vicious human emotions in the most susceptible phase of life. She is a meek girl who lives with the faith of beholding miracles in small gestures of fellow beings. She looks for true emotions amongst ostentatious people. Her fault was to be oblivious that world doesn’t work that way for anyone.

She had felt the chaste love for someone lately. This is not her first love. She has a bitter past that curbs her from men and love. Amid her scuffle to find herself and lurching to get out of the penitentiary she had built for herself, she met him, Kayid, the fervent “someone”, who is competent of going to any limits for his subsistence. Not everyone is adept at moving along with the evolving time. She is one of them. The integrities, ideologies, emotions of human race have tainted according to the expediency. Darwin called it survival of the fittest. He was one such with no values for other’s emotions. No respect.

Zakiah fell for Kayid, so hard that she was blind to his venal intensions. She was overwhelmed with his presence in her life. She was connecting the dots of several occasions that pushed her to him and was grinning about it. Love is perceived as a solitary tenacity for her existence. She conquered gratification in showing love to him.

They go to the same university. Kayid was using her for his materialistic gains. Though she was getting glimpse of his intents, she chose to be oblivion to them in the name of love.

The dark day for her, the reality yet again gave a hard slap. This slap was death striking that she doubted the tranquility of her lucidity. He betrayed her for a worthless materialistic cause. She knew she was being manipulated. She thought, “Is this is what it is or I’m being canopy to him once again?” She had to make the sternest choice, him or the right thing? She chose to do the right thing. If only she had known that she is going is pay a really heavy price for doing the right thing.

Kayid chose to show his dark side to her. She was obligated to wobble her reasons to live life. The relationship that was the reason of life within her pushed her to the verge of giving up on it. Her feelings were not respected. She was not respected. It was beyond what she had alleged he is capable of doing to her. He was efficacious in giving her the permanent silence to her. Her feminism begged him to spare her emotional virginity. Nothing really mattered to him. He cut all his ties with her.

She was left to ponder on the betrayal of her love for the rest of the life.

The needed “Chivalry”!

undertheskin-5

“Wont” is one of those deadly diseases that gradually erode your brain. It is not that easy to break a habit. Human brain gets so used to it that you would have no control over it. I have given a lot of thought to such situations. I have also tried to place myself in the shoes of those friends who discuss the topic of “habit” with me to guide them, especially when their brain just can’t think straight. Apart from giving some award-winning substantial tips to them, every single time I would end the thought by telling to myself that I have so much of self-control. I can very well control my thoughts and what I want and do.

Today, I got to know how wrong I was. Sub-consciously you tend to become cognitive to it. When you do it everyday. Every single day for past 7 months, it is not easy to miss it. Not even one day. I got to learn another life skill today. In my opinion, everyone needs to master it. If all of us have the guts to break a habit when you realize it is eating you, then that would be worth calling “chivalry”.